At The Ripe Old Age Of Thirty

the forkbeard has learned yet a new lesson...leadership is a double edged sword! i have recently taken over the management of the largest adult club in the city of portland. it has been a backbreaking chore to make the place viable and functional--i.e. the forkbeard has been pulling the warrior 120 hour work weeks and making the shit happen! tonight was a good night for the bar. it ran like a well oiled machine and i was going to leave early to go home and get some well deserved sleep. unfortunately, this was the long awaited night that little beans came down to visit me at work to see just what the madness is all about. do not get me wrong, i was tickled pink to have her at the bar and only had to menace one guy who persistently hit on her...not to mention i just love spending time with her. the next is not her fault in the slightest...i didn't leave. if i am there, even if i am drinking and "off the clock," my troops rally to me anyway. they look to me like darling children that need dad to make everything all right and i love them for it. i love it. i love being dad. i'm really good at it. i am maybe too good at it. i should have left. the thing is, i am a great leader because of my love of my troops, and if i think they need me, i will be there for them no matter what is required of me or my time. that is some of my problem. i need to let them sink or swim on their own at some point, no matter how painful. i need to figure out how to not be the cornerstone that holds the house up. if i am not there, it falls apart and that is not ok for me...i need to have time away without worry. this mentality will and should transfer to me raising the bobin at some point. it is all a learning experience. this is my new mission: how to have the bar work without me for a night or two and how to convince my staff that it will be ok if dad isn't there. there is still more training required for that to happen and still more long hours for me to put in, but i now know what i need to work for. i need to work for a crew of rockstars, not a backup band. thank you beans for putting up with me being ocd about all this...i know it is hard and i know i need to figure out how to make time for me...and you...and my family. i am trying and no matter what i say, i am loving what i do! but i love you more.

rock