Forkbeards Landing

What Is Everyone Doing Without Me

2007-08-08T14:22:00.001-07:00

of course there is no way for me to hide on the interwebs for long even with all my excuses and co-outs (i can't remember my login!!!) so...here is what you have to look forward to here in the near future: i am now playing with three bands and looking to get out of two and start another (i am such a whore) so i will have at least four show reviews to throw out for posterity this month, not to mention the free therapy that venting about said shows on this blog will give me. i just bought a new house and am building another studio in the downstairs portion...so i may just keep you all updated on gear/toys i will be getting for this thing. i am now back full swing into the world of warcraft (gods help me), so this may become a bit of a rally point for the guild and what not. also, in really interesting news, i will be marrying a couple on the 24th of august...you didn't know i was a real ninjapirate captain, did you!?!?!? this is going to be a true freak-flag event, so that may just produce one of the best stories ever! we will see how this goes...and thank you to monstee for inspiring me to post again...you are truly a monster among toolboxes.

Again With The Myspace Whoredom

2007-01-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

is it time for my bi-annual post? it must be. this is the magic month of jam-uary! this is the month that the forkbeard takes the month off from drinking and debauch and cleans out the cobwebs. this should be a good month, as i redouble my efforts to sell my house and start on a few new business ventures. myself and dr schaadt are well on our way to taking over the world, one band at a time with our studio ventures. it is fun to listen to stuff you have done for people and compare it with stuff on the radio...and realize that you are doing better things! good gear and better ears...no substitutions! the bobin is the happy little monster and i want a puppy! really i do! i love dawgs a lot and cant wait to sell the house i am in now and get a place with a little more room...so there will be room for kittens and puppies...and before you think the forkbeard is getting a little ghey for his silk pjs, they are kittens of doom and it will be a hell-puppy! that's right, so you can take a flying leap at a wall if you think i am getting soft...my little brother gave me a tomahawk for the holidays and you may just catch the wrong end!!!

Laughing All The Way Home

2006-10-13T02:37:00.000-07:00

i was a slow kid laughing on my donkey all the way home tonight. it was good...no, great! we had the first rehearsal with the full band--my new band; separation of sanity (SoS) tonight and i am beside myself. i haven't been in a band like this (if ever) that made me want to get up and destroy things!!!! the stuff that is on line for music in my world is going to be the meanest of the mean and the toughest of the tough! it is always a good day to die, but if you can run the ruckus for a bit, that is not so bad either!!! more to come.

-rock

New Gameplan

2006-09-20T03:24:00.000-07:00

so now that i am a free agent and looking for a diversity of music styles to give myself to, the world has opened up for me! i have a metal band (an established metal band) scouting me, i have a funk band looking to add me, and there is my good friend, scott, looking to create something beautiful with me. it is fun being able to be all over the board musically and being happy with the end product! people always ask me, what kind of music are you into? i always say, "good music." when i say that, what i mean is, i can play everything, but what i want is something refined and professional. i will play thrash metal if it is a polished good incantation of thrash! i will play folk if it is a functional, deeply lyrical divulgence into the psyche of a minimalist view of a slice of life. i will play in a jam-band if it is a dictation of temperature bled through an amplifier and the notes call whether it is 95* or 104*! it is all about the music and expression! i love me some music. right now i have the chance to go back and delve into what i think is music. redefine what i think is art, if you will! we will see what comes of this, and i will update (like i feel i have to) what i do here!

rock is not enough, but if it is true rock, it is always enough!

-yes

As Good As It Gets?

2006-09-17T05:46:00.000-07:00

for someone who is an old hand at going out and "finding what there is to do," i have been spending a lot of time at home not going out and finding such distractions. tonight was my day of -going out-. i spent a great day with the bobin meeting him to horses, dogs and people i haven't seen for many years. i went to a good friend's birthday party and was happy to spend my time there. i went to a big show where the term "vip" really applied to me and tore it all up there. then the strangeness happened: at the late night place i went to, i met up with two friends i haven't seen for years. "chocolate" is a bud that just got free and he was there...no business being there; he knew no one, but is family from way back! also, at said spot, was an old friend by the name of chris leben (google the name). we caught up and made plans and all that neat business. all in all, my friends, i would title the night nothing less than "epic!" i had an epic day and there is not much better! hell, i even found $62 on the floor at the bar! paid for epic! it all comes around.

rock!

Rain

2006-09-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

here is a simple shout out to the end of summer! i can't stand the heat. i love the chilly wet autumn--the brittle doldrums of fall--the ever-shortening time between now and all hallows eve! time to get the house sold in order to have enough money to realize my fully robotic costume.

At The Ripe Old Age Of Thirty

2006-08-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

the forkbeard has learned yet a new lesson...leadership is a double edged sword! i have recently taken over the management of the largest adult club in the city of portland. it has been a backbreaking chore to make the place viable and functional--i.e. the forkbeard has been pulling the warrior 120 hour work weeks and making the shit happen! tonight was a good night for the bar. it ran like a well oiled machine and i was going to leave early to go home and get some well deserved sleep. unfortunately, this was the long awaited night that little beans came down to visit me at work to see just what the madness is all about. do not get me wrong, i was tickled pink to have her at the bar and only had to menace one guy who persistently hit on her...not to mention i just love spending time with her. the next is not her fault in the slightest...i didn't leave. if i am there, even if i am drinking and "off the clock," my troops rally to me anyway. they look to me like darling children that need dad to make everything all right and i love them for it. i love it. i love being dad. i'm really good at it. i am maybe too good at it. i should have left. the thing is, i am a great leader because of my love of my troops, and if i think they need me, i will be there for them no matter what is required of me or my time. that is some of my problem. i need to let them sink or swim on their own at some point, no matter how painful. i need to figure out how to not be the cornerstone that holds the house up. if i am not there, it falls apart and that is not ok for me...i need to have time away without worry. this mentality will and should transfer to me raising the bobin at some point. it is all a learning experience. this is my new mission: how to have the bar work without me for a night or two and how to convince my staff that it will be ok if dad isn't there. there is still more training required for that to happen and still more long hours for me to put in, but i now know what i need to work for. i need to work for a crew of rockstars, not a backup band. thank you beans for putting up with me being ocd about all this...i know it is hard and i know i need to figure out how to make time for me...and you...and my family. i am trying and no matter what i say, i am loving what i do! but i love you more.

rock

Party Time?

2006-07-03T03:33:00.000-07:00

it's fun when you sit down after a day of work and say to the people residing close to you, "in the last three days, i have put in 45 hours of work...my feet hurt!" it's better when you go to a barbecue and arrive just in time for the most amazing residential street display of fireworks you have ever seen! $500 of explosives blown off while you stand there and are rained on by sulfur and other bits of left over sky-pretty! a good 35 minutes of boom and sparkle for all the naughty kids to enjoy!! good times for all! i will be working during the actual 4th and, dice roll and winner, i got mine tonight! now, in spite of anything negative that could be in my life, i am a functioning unit. i will don the name "captain happy" for the next few days if not weeks! off to bed for this happy boy, to dream of explosions and joyous new friends!!!!!

rock!

Drunk On Power

2006-06-23T04:16:00.000-07:00

holy sheepshit, kids! i had a show tonight and it was among the best experiences of my musical career! we played after a band called "raging angel" and they were buttrockalicious! it was like watching iron maiden with a chick on lead vocals! so much fun! the last song they played in their set was over twelve minutes long...for all the butt rockers, that is metal epic in the serious fashion! then we played... according to everyone in the place that told me what was what...we blew doors on everyone playing. good rock! then, after all of the rumors of a "yes cover band," playing; which i thought was an impossible task...there was a YES cover band indeed! they did it all!!!! it was more of a YES tribute band because they were nearly perfect! i mean, when you do "roundabout" note for note and smile...holy shit! i had a great time tonight! and i am now, officially, a rock star! it feels like it should, the rockstardom and all; but the forkbeard remains!

kozmo!

Thank The Gods!

2006-06-08T04:49:00.000-07:00

i played a show tonight with the first band that i can call my own for a good long time http://www.drunkonpower.com . the general consensus is that we rocked super hard!!!! i love that. it is nice to have four shows lined up within five minutes of getting off stage!!!! :) i am out late. i am going to pay for this lateness. as i type this, there is a sleeping little man in the next room that is soon to be enjoying his first birthday. i love him like i love nothing else in this world. it is all about him all the time, but: check the post time--i will be the sleepy dad. i am out late and actually don't feel bad (i am my own worst critic). it is a good scene, i will be tired, but i will be happy (cloud nine) for the next week! this is the best first show i have ever played with any band of any kind, and the connections i made tonight will shape my hobby time for the next year at least. rock!!!! in the words of ozzy, as i have said before, "i love you all!" in my words, which are off the cuff at best, i still love everything...period. it's the first good (and i mean good) night i have had in a long time! thank you to all that made me happy tonight...especially my little beans!

Hijacked!

2006-06-06T04:29:00.000-07:00

this is my first post in a long time and it is mostly for my beans. everyone went to bed. bobin, beans and buttons (post ingrown claw surgery...sorry little cat). i went out--on foot--to read a book and have a cocktail. i was loaded up into a random car by a good friend of mine (t) that is a really bad influence...really bad. in fact, i am trying to cut him out of my social life right now; not because i hate him, but because i need to practice a different style of life kung-fu. well, he showed up at my local bar and pulled me out of the place (not all his fault, it's me--i'm just weak around him) and took me to a house party. i had a great time! met new people and met people that know really old people in my life that i am looking forward to checking in on. the downside is this: i fell asleep on a couch in the garage next to the being-abused-foos-ball-table. when i closed and then (to me) immediately opened my eyes, it was 3:45 in the morning. the ever-present worse down side was there was no one to drive me home...legally. so it was the long...long...walk for me. i am going to hurt tomorrow. i am tired. it is, ultimately, my own damned fault. i will live. i will be okay. i need to start stopping being the "old" forkbeard. never fear...the forkbeard is not gone nor is the softness setting in...i merely need to be a more selective and smart about being the strong forkbeard. i love my little beans for being patient with me...i am really impressed i am not dead yet by her hand for all of my silliness. hell to that...i love her for everything she is! she makes me who i am...the good parts, anyway.

i do win all around! i really don't deserve it!

rock.

Real Working Music

2006-05-18T04:24:00.000-07:00

there are times when you say to yourself, "boy howdy, i am really tired!" today was one of those days. beat. circumstance. life goes on. but my new band now has a record contract on the table with a "grooming label." that is a label that drops money on a new band; books and supports them, in order to shop them to a large label for big money and what not. the grooming label makes mad money doing this and the bands they push are moving on to bigger and better things! first part of my post-bobin day. then i made a great showing with a local funk band, skoolyard. blew people's heads off and, shock and perversion, got paid! it was a fantastic (or more than) music day! i am still home far later than my tired ass would desire (i stayed at the bar getting strait and helping them clean in the mean time) and now i am home...looking to sleep a few hours and then go back to work doing family things. it is all good. in spite of this brilliant music day and the fact that my disposition is in a good place, bed is a good plan! in fact, it is a better plan than i make it most of them time. i need to start a love affair with my bed. i think it will be better for all involved.

but still, happy day!

.

2006-05-11T03:32:00.000-07:00

for now.

To Do?

2006-05-11T03:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes one will neglect their blog in order to be a good passer-bye. that is my role. for now. i am soon to learn how to post music on this here landing...the new band must be heard!!!! being a part of said music leads me to explain it thus: there is still rock in this world. take that one to the bank and i will pay the "iou's" shortly. as it sits, i will remain an avid fan of all of you!

love

Donkey Donkey

2006-04-28T03:27:00.000-07:00

there is something about riding. no matter how tired or how sick you may be, no matter how much the world may be getting you down or life may be creeping in around the edges... there is always a purity about muscling around town on a ton of bike that brings everything into perspective. life is good if you let it be good. for all of you without bikes, there is a happy medium. for all of you with bikes...ride those badboys for all they (and you) are worth any chance you get. it is good for the soul!!!!!!!

Rockstars

2006-04-22T01:54:00.000-07:00

let us take a look at that title: "rockstar." after the gym, i passed by (and into) a bar where i am known to sling drinks on occasion. playing was a person that went by the name "rockstar." this is a solo act--guy and his guitar--that is trying in every sense of the idea to be a one man bar band. first: there is no such thing as a one man bar band that does not sport a captains hat and a piano, and is capable of playing any request that the drunken masses can throw at him. it is up to this one man bar band to decide what songs he (or she) will play for the ever-loving debaucherous masses dictated by style, worth and the feel of the room. second: by definition, a bar band is a band that plays in a bar in order to keep asses in the seats and a feeling of i-need-to-be-drunker camaraderie in the air. this is not an "i am in the limelight and you need to listen to what i am doing" kind of affair. you are playing to the bar and you are not doing the musical rocks-off thing. a rockstar, by definition, is someone who is the party, is the innovation, is the end-all-be-all show; tunes, scene and patronage not withstanding. so, in order to be a "rockstar," you need to have something special. when i say special, i do not mean a good personality, weak-ass, half-baked original tunes and only a rudimentary knowledge of the guitar. you need to be the shit.

the music tonight hurt me.

not only did this guy chase half the bar out of the show in the first 15 minutes, due to annoying sights and sounds, he continued to devolve into a self-appreciating maelstrom of "look how cool i am, and everyone sing along!" it was a fucking street-corner act! you know, one of those things that hold your attention for ten seconds when you are walking by on the way to the galleria, and if you are feeling really happy with your life, you throw a dollar in the open guitar case thinking, "wow, he sure is trying really hard!"

this is the symptom of the weak music scene in my city...not the problem. the problem is, these fucking hard-ons get booked in legitimate music venues to pimp their egos to a bunch of young kids that are looking for either the next new thing, or that thing that everyone else thinks is cool! i beseech all of you who have an independent thought in your head...STOP BUYING INTO THIS WASTE OF TIME, SPACE AND AIR!!!!! don't let them get away with it! the only reason these things are perpetuated on stage and in other mediums is because we are all of us pretending to be tolerant! speak the fuck up! if it is shit, call it shit...don't be delicate because you think it is another listeners enjoyed art...they are saying the same thing about this tripe as you are! call people on their self-indulgent bullshit--don't let the waste of your time go unnoticed! save your "that was great" comments for the bands that you really feel that about! tonight's show was a rich kid getting out and getting on stage for the sake of getting on stage, while there are talented STARVING players out there that are giving it their heart and soul! love those kids...or tell those kids that they suck and need to stop wasting their time, our time and need to get a day job. that is harsh, but better for everyone. enabling half-assed music kills the folks that are going for gold...even though they, most times, eat shit!

soooo pissed about this. wish some people would just choke on a peeled grape. hate the good people who stand by and do nothing. they suck too!

music and innovation is being trampled...won't you help?

The New Band

2006-04-21T10:45:00.000-07:00

so we decided to maintain the name of the band as "drunk on power." with our new mastodonesque drummer, then name would appear to be apt. i am now using four (count them, four) different distortion pedals...how else are we to keep it extremely heavy whilst maintaining a three piece? ain't technology swell!

switch

if you could get a cast like that of "the bounty" in any other movie...i mean any other movie, wouldn't it make money? much more than you put in? let us see: mel gibson, anthany hopkins, daniel day lewis, liam neeson, sir laurence olivier...good lord! and on the whole cast, only two women, which makes it a pirate's dream...you know what kind of pirate i'm talking about ;)

switch

i want a new stroller. i want a new trailer. i want a new stroller trailer for my bike. i am leaning towards the rei special, "chariot." i could go cheaper, but i have seen the "chariot" rigs and they look pretty hard core. i should go actually check out some more, i'm sure, but feedback from anyone passing by here would be well appreciated. dammit!

i will post something angry soon. very angry. oooooo, so angry.

Dammit Monstee

2006-03-31T11:29:00.000-08:00

"What do you think of me, itunes?"
-a show of hands: victor wooten

"Will i have a happy life?"
-who wants to rock: clutch

"What do my friends really think of me?"
walking through darkness: tekitha

"Do people secretly lust after me?"
contempt: entombed

"How can i make myself happy?"
waka jawaka: frank zappa

"What should i do with my life?"
american sleep: clutch

"Why must life be so full of pain?"
making plans for nigel: primus

"How can i maximize my pleasure during sex?"
sticking it in my eye: nofx

"Will i ever have children?"
numbered days: mighty mighty bosstones

"Will i die happy?"
down: 311

"Can you give me some advice?"
spirit in black: slayer

"What do you think happiness is?"
the kids: jamiroquai

"What's my favorite fetish?"
orgasmatron: motorhead

so this is the first one of these i have ever done on the landing. the way you do it is, whip out your trusty ipod and set it to shuffle, then ask it these questions (or any questions you want). it is kind of fun, and a hell of a lot cooler than a magic 8-ball!

Showtime

2006-03-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

well, if cherzie is going to link to me, the least i can do is tell you all what is up. dan kaufman and the educated mess, is a band coming out of phillidelphia to blow some shows over here and the dimes are a local phenom that are just a treat...not to mention that johnny is just soooo dreamy (pierre is just a viking in the sack...wow, i was a mess for weeks!) and they actually are fantastic musicians! boy-band pretty and can play?!?!?!?! then there will be random other stuff going down after...like me, mike schaadt and anthany getting up to do some damge...i may do some primus back to back with charlie daniels...oh hell yeah! the up side to this whole thing is the debauch on a tuesday night! so...that's right, tomorrow at around 8:30 at the bitter end pub (nw 20th and burnside, right across from pge park in downtown p-town) the music will come, the nudity will follow.

rock.

Sometimes I Do Win

2006-03-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

this is it, kids. the forkbeard has defied logic and nature and gone a month without drinking. i did it. it's good to know i can without really being a mess. but then again, if i was a mess from a month of no poison, that would be a different thing all together--do the vices run you or the other way around? i now know for sure.

so as i coast out of the last night of self inflicted binge sobriety, i remind you all of the ways of the warlord:
-that which does not kill us makes us harder to kill
-let no thing under the allfather's sky be your master completely
-strength is respected and help will be granted to those who help themselves
-passion is a blessing in all of it's forms...treat this as a wondrous puzzle
-live well and hard for each day may be your last--all is taken into account at the doors of valhalla
-keep all that you are open to what you may experience and pay attention to what is given you--it is all a gift

be safe in your endeavours and if you need to go all out, you should! be larger than life at very least once in your life!!!!

Carlos Mencia: No Strings Attached

2006-03-13T00:25:00.000-08:00

i will be waking up the neighbors with laughter. really. what an angry, fired-up, pissed-off beaner...me gusta, me gusta, me gusta! thanks and--go get em, carlos.

dun duh duuuhhh!

Wednesday Flat

2006-03-09T00:43:00.000-08:00

i need to move someplace cold. it's cold now were i am, but not as cold year round as i would like it to be. we don't get snow. we don't ever really need to chain tires. the city shuts down for an inch and a half. i want a blizzard.

i know i am not alone in my love of storms...the wind, the rain and, if luck permits, the taste of raw electricity in the air--the dry, tingling anticipation that sits on a not quite locatable part of your tongue when lightning is inevitable--it makes me happy. don't get me wrong, i love where i live. anyone who has relaxed in a moss rainforest while intermittent thunderheads drench the green canopy but don't quite ever block out the sun so it seems the leaves drip with emeralds from the reflection of the soft, thick, natural carpet you recline on...or letting the leisurely current spin you in molasses circles, changing the view with every gentle revolution--first soft rolling hills stripped of trees by some ancient fire, but not of grass that undulates beneath the caress of he subtle breeze, making the hillside look like water should while the river emulates polished glass--with another turn, cliffs topped by gnarled evergreens crowned with the occasional lookout tower/cradle of twigs and feathers--because every kayak should have a pillow to inflate in the back half in between bowls and chutes. living in the northwest is fantastic in so many ways and i would be lying if i said anywhere else will ever really be home, but my wanderlust calls me.

there is a special kind of quiet that you can only find when everything is covered in a layer of fluffy white. the sounds of footsteps, tires, voices...even your own...don't carry. everything is still. unless it is really coming down--sideways--in a full storm, where opening the windows is a fruitless endevour due to the snow piled to the roof for a month or two. i need a change of scenery.

next week, hawaii!

For The Love Of...

2006-03-08T08:38:00.000-08:00

thank the gods, my computer is back from the witch doctor and seeming to be functioning nominally...you know what that means--it's time for me to get off my ass and start posting again. tyr knows i am not doing much else (coming up on three weeks of sobriety for the forkbeard) till st patty's day, so i should get some writing out of the way. i'm worried, though...i've been sick since i quit drinking. i wonder if my body is kicking back on me for depriving it of it's usual 4:1 blood to whiskey ratio. i should kick my own ass for being a weakling...can't survive without whiskey--what a little momma's boy!!!!

i am playing in the month of march! i just layed some bass-pipe in the studio for a band in seattle...hired to be the ghost playah! working on some electronic music with some guys from a few different bands...good lord we sound like musically advanced linken-park. playing the fun show with the old boys and some kids from philly on the 21st, playing with hillside lane on the 24th, and some sorry fuckstick's mouth wrote a check his ass will not be able to cash, as he challenged me and juan valdez to a simon-and-garfunkle-off on the 30th. i just look like a viking warlord turned biker...it doesn't mean i can't still sing pretty! that will be fun and old toolio has no idea what kind of folk ass-whoopin he is in for. i haven't played a show for a long time that my primary function was the singing!

my mini should be back today, and my homeowners insurance will cover the loss of my ipod someday. what? homeowners? yes, my friends, the tweekers have struck again. thursday afternoon, i went out on my deck to notice the window in one of my cars was busted out! so nice. cordless powertools, assorted bags, camping toys music gear...a handmade highland broadsword with matching dagger and claymore harness...all stolen from my car because someone likes crank. i will find them (pawn off a one of a kind sword), but that all still sucks. all in all, i will be leaning on my insurance companies for roughly $3800. i hope they come to the conclusion that i am legit and don't flag me for fraud. i mean, who loses a broadsword in a car breakin?!?!?

other than that, party time continues and i run it. don't you ever forget that.

Who Are You: One

2006-03-01T09:39:00.000-08:00

fear is a strange thing.

i have been scared before. many times. in second grade, jimmy stetson (a fourth grader) informed me that he would be waiting outside school for me. no “meet me at the flag pole,” no “if you aren’t a baby, you will show up,” just an “I will find you and beat you when school is over.” i was scared. i tried skydiving one time. looking out the big door in the side of the upward-spiraling plane, watching the ground moving away and knowing that i would be jumping out of that very door...i was scared. i was even mugged at the atm once. just a man with a knife and a baseball cap and i am out two hundred bucks and a watch. i was scared then too. i thought i pretty much knew what fear is all about. i thought...

fear is something different.

fear is that tight sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, that little bit of perpetual sweat in the small of your back and not being able to achieve any kind of deep sleep. fear isn’t a single situation, it’s a state of being. you live fear and are controlled by it. it has been one month, three weeks and two days since i woke up and started to learn what fear really was.

i live about a mile from campus and decided not to go home for the summer. i love my house...it’s big and set on nine acres of fantastic land, out of earshot from the neighbors. good for parties, better for peace and quiet. all of my roommates were at home for the christmas break, so had the house to myself...well, myself and susan.

susan

my oldest friend. since i got her as a puppy when i was thirteen, we had been inseparable. she slept in my bed with me every night, through high school girlfriend breakups and fights with mom and dad. we would walk by the river near my folks place and lounge in the sun together for long summer afternoons, not needing to play or do anything , just sitting and being safe in each others company. that was the way it was between us...no expectations, but nothing but...that was until early last month when the fire started in the woods at the edge of the property.

it’s odd how much noise big trees make when they are on fire. they crack and pop and eventually, some of them fall. that is what woke me up at 3 in the morning...that and susan barking. i was up and out the door in short order and saw immediately what was going on. there is a small grove of trees about four hundred yards from the house proper, blazing with flames that seemed to lick the clouds. in evident response to the ragged caress of the tongues of orange and yellow, the clouds opened up and began to drench the ground. it wasn’t enough to put out the trees proper, but it was enough to make the grass around them resistant to the onset of a prairie fire. across the field, the screen door was also not enough to stop susan from crashing out into the night, barking wildly at the slowly diminishing flames as she chased the fire. i called out once, but knew she would come back when she had had her fill of excitement. besides...sleeping outside would serve her right for running heedlessly off!

i went to bed with a slight chuckle and a content “something interesting happened tonight, but it will all be fine in the morning,” feeling buzzing in my head.

i awoke to the lingering smell of wood smoke and the feeling of being watched. i jolted upright to find susan, head cocked to the side and gazing intently at me, sitting in the doorway. i could have sworn i left the front door shut and locked...but obviously not.

You Little...

2006-02-28T10:44:00.000-08:00

not sleeping. ever again. within the next week, i will be taking both of my main computers into the witch doctor to get them working correctly. this will enable and encourage more regular posting (my browsers will stop shutting down at random) and i will stop being merely a purveyour and commentor on other blogs.

also, d is a finalist in the ultimate blogger 2 competition and i couldn't be prouder of him. let's all do our part to make those ankle sucking bastiches stand up and rekognize that our little waferbaby is the man, the myth, the legend, the judge, the jury and the executioner!

exe.

hehe

i suck.

Fragmented Sentences Abound

2006-01-28T05:08:00.000-08:00

that is all. if you were too go to the.

New Friends

2006-01-28T04:17:00.000-08:00

my greatest blogstyle badassery is really my comments. i will lose touch with posting for a good long while because, during the limited time i get to play with the interweb, i like to check up on the mad crazy brilliant bloggers like avatar and her hot ass or sarah being twisted or the magic man who gives all geeks hope in this random hook-up-less world jack or poets and generally beautiful people that you should follow and become disciples (islanders) of like my nyc goddess, little bjork or transience or the list goes on and on: heatherfeather , monstee , my little brother , my beans and bobin, my prolific fish !

with all of these and more, my posts come slow and usually consist of very little...i have posted some of my short stories (the archives don't go away), not mentioning some of which have been published. for the most part, though, i am more into commenting with fever on other cool kid's sites. if you show up here by some random chance (there are no chances, only karma...damn you, carson daily), drop a line and i will track you back to your group of friends! i'm a hunter of interesting bits of the lives of strangers and i will leave fun comments that will offend and drive at the same intellectual time! the blogesphere is a beautiful place and i love you all! keep me in touch with the majority of the world through your pokings and proddings...we all need something shiny to look at, not just the president!

those who know and love me, ask me via private mail what the tally for friday night date-night is up to. i am done, but i have done soooo much...even though i look good these days and have my brother a job when he gets his stupid ass home and treats it as such!

transiemce: love

cherz: MASTODON!

I'm Giving Her All I Got, Captain

2006-01-19T03:02:00.000-08:00

i haven't forgotten nor am i fucking it off. laughing girl, i'm sorry. i am about 600 words into the depiction of your idea and trudging through...but that is what i am doing, trudging. so far as the rest of you crazies, i will get there. as it sits, i am they gym master. remember: it is cool to go to the gym at midnight like ivar. you can do what you want for how ever long you want. there is no waiting for weights, benches or machines. there are not the obnoxious "pretty people" wearing $500 worth of gear and are more concerned with the mirrors than the workout. i'll tell you, if i'm not a sweaty mess after ten minutes and then for the next hour at least, i am wasting my time.

but for the rest of you, i have been on a sushi making kick...yes, i make bomb sushi...and you all need to go to this magic site right here and laugh your ass off. this has nothing to do with my buying and eating a sandwich from an asian grocery outlet (uwagimaya) that was labeled "robsters pollan."

yep...it was a lobster salad sandwich. i love it!

Pause

2006-01-16T14:08:00.000-08:00

i am about half way through the first "suggestion," writing with wreckless abandon to confuse and misconstrue all normal thought and reasonable explanation, i just haven't had much time as of late. i will most likely finish when i get home from work/gym later tonight and you should get to tear apart the finished product tomorrow morning. unfortunately, i'm not starting with the bestiality thing...that will take some strategic planning...sarah first, then my lusty lovely! see you in the morning.

Maston

2006-01-15T05:25:00.000-08:00

i sacrifice a simple night of sleep to your memory and the people that loved you...and the people you helped bring together. you did something and none of us will ever forget you or the family you created. be happy and at piece, brother.

Oh The Fabric

2006-01-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

i have decided that i really love tailored italian suits. i'm going to pick one up later today...i hope it's finished, i want to get my pimp-on tonight. well, it's a muted black pinstripe, so maybe not my pimp, but maybe my mafioso-on? i am actually going to wear a piece to make sure the jacket lays right. is that strange? you never know.

i need a new topic to write about...not a plot, just a direction, situation, or a hint? i like twisting other people's ideas up to fit my own whiles and nothing is off limits. i will write one for every hint i get, so try to put out the best one or two you got...i'm not made of magic, merely a vessel.

The Duel

2006-01-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

the two fighters were no longer facing one another. the small red and black suit zigzagged away gazzelle-like from the larger midnight-blue monster of a suit that chased it--spitting death from the shoulder mounted coilgun as it came. with lightning quickness, the smaller suit executed a tight ground roll, then shot away leaving a trail of burning grass from it's jet boosters. half a tree collapsed under the barrage of ring-penetrators that flew from the blue giant. the little red and black suit half flew/half fell down into the ravine it had been skirting. as the suit ran across the walled flat on the floor of the ravine, it was tracked by an arm laser...small tendrils of smoke started to rise from the heated enamel of the red painted shoulder. just as the enamel started cracking under the attentions of the painting laser, the small suit dived behind a mound of dirt.

there was a pause in the action as the two suits faced each other, not moving. without shifting position, the larger suit lashed out with a grenade from it's other shoulder. after a few moments, the blue suit started casually skirting the top of the ridge. as soon as it made to stop it's stalking, the red and black warrior popped up over the top of the knoll and started firing with it's own coilgun. the giant tried to dodge by flying into the air. this only gave the other suit a better line of sight, as it hammerd the blue carapace of it's attacker with round after round from it's gun. the big blue suit crashed into the ground with in a fountain of dirt and sod like a meteor and refused to move until prodded by the arm laser of it's opponent.

as the mountainous blue suit ground to it's feet, mechanical blood sprayed from it's damaged leg. it limped to the cover of some trees and propped itself up against the trunk of a mighty redwood. the smaller suit trudged carfully after the giant. there was a blinding flash as the red and black suit approached the trees--throwing the small unit fifty feet onto it's back. the flames were the only movement for nearly ten minutes. slowly, a blackened hand wiped the debris from the face shield of the suit that was now only red and black on the back. the small champion rose to it's feet and began to walk back to the staging area...and a long nap.

-end

Duelist: Third Person, Cerbus

2006-01-07T22:48:00.000-08:00

cerbus chuckled as he watched the red and black power-suit flee before his probing laser. clan tertia is about to lose another pathetic excuse for a fighter...so foolish to send a pup against a wolf! josh tertia stopped in front of a large oak tree to look around. the suit ai flashed a green light in the corner of cerbus' hud and he giggled just a bit as he cut loose with a long burst from his magnetic coilgun. the tertian brat dodged the stream of ring penetrators somehow and was immedieatly boosting himself over the edge of a rise. "He's quick, I'll give him that much," cerbus mumbled to himself.

with three boost-assisted strides, cerbus was at the edge of the rise and could see the armored boy sprinting accross a small field. he started to pick nonchalantly at the josh's shoulder joint with his painting laser as the young fighter diappeared behind a knoll. it was time to play with the boy's head.

"That was smooth as silk, young Joshuah. You run real nice." for good measure, cerbus hit the knoll josh was hinding behind with a concussion morter. the boy's suit was obviously crippled in some way, and if that didn't frighten him...

the "Fuck you!" the tertian boy threw back was riddled with sympathetic static, but clear enough to make cerbus scowl. all's fair, but such language!

"That is not polite, Joshuah. Maybe i should come down there and teach you some manners!" with that, cerbus traversed the top of the ridge, looking for a broad field of view for when the boy decided to run again. when he was satified, cerbus stopped and placed his hands on his hips and waited like an impatient mother. the boy would pop out the side of the knoll sometime.

cerbus suddenly saw a gilnt of red over the top of the knoll and his proximity alarms all began to howl in unison. sortly before the first impact, his suit ai took control and he was suddenly being propelled into the air. his point of view spun slowly as he went through a slow arc. the insulation in his suit could not mask the heat of the multiple impacts and turbulence of being sprayed with a railgun on full stream and there was not a blessed thing he could do about it! searing pain shot up his body as ring penetrators tore through his suit's hip joint and a fair ammount of his hip. cerbus could feel the punishment continue as his hud showed the ground coming up to stop his flight with a crushing blow and he could not breathe for seconds, sure that something broke in his shoulder on impact. his faceplate showed a list of systems failures that his ai was working on bypassing. it was not going to be enough. his back plate began to heat as the tertian painting laser burned the enamel off of it. cerbus rose painfully to his feet, feeling the expected tightness of his leg-servos locking out.

"Who's laughing now, asshole," came quietly across the airwaves. cerbus did not respond as he limped for a grove of trees. he began prepping the special and etremely expensive "self destruct" system he had built into his suit. he wasn't going to die alone.

K

2006-01-06T15:36:00.000-08:00

so that is not a post of poetry and not that random...if you like a little sci-fi...but i think tomorrow it will be from cerbus' pov. yeah...that's the ticket. just a little exercise.

Duelist: First Person, Josh

2006-01-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

i had a rough time moving out of the way as i heard the growl of cerbus' coilgun. the taste of bile stung the back of my throat as the ring-penetrators chewed a thick branch off of the tree that i was standing in front of only moments before. i tapped my tongue switch, letting out a short burst from my booster pack. the extra lift sent me over the edge of the ravine i had been skirting in an attempt to avoid the tank-like suit that encased cerbus. knee-joint servos whined as my suit tried to absorb the shock of the thirty foot fall onto uneven ground. i didn't look back as i bent forward and used my booster pack again to sprint towards a knoll but i could feel the heat through the insulation as a painting laser chipped away at the resin shields on the back of my left shoulder, but there was nothing to be done for it but keep running. my only hope was the knoll ahead. as i crashed to the ground behind the rise of earth that was my salvation, i could hear cerbus laughing in my helmet phones.

"That was smooth as silk, young Joshua. You run real nice." the ground underneath me rumbled as a round from cerbus' shoulder mounted mortar launcher slapped the small hill i lay prone behind.

"Fuck you!" i tried to think of something a bit more dashing, but i was out of breath and was really not in the mood for the banter.

"That is not polite, Joshua. Maybe i should come down there and teach you some manners!" the proximity alarm went off in my helmet, telling me cerbus was on the move. "Not polite at all!" i sat up over the top of the knoll for long enough to snap off a few rounds from my own coilgun only to find out that cerbus was still standing at the top of the ridge, hands on hips. my suit ai had a firing solution an instant before i twitched the muscle in the my first and second finger of my right hand, switching to full auto. he must have thought he had disabled my mains or something like that. my heart skipped a full three beats as the old veteran panicked, ran his booster pack on full and shot into the air describing a lazy somersault until gravity kicked back in. the entire time it was raining bits of his shielding as i peppered him with ring-penetrators. he hit the ground hard and lay still for a few seconds. not wanting to approach a wounded tiger, i prodded him with my painting laser and he reacted by climbing raggedly to his feet. as he rose, a visible spray of hydraulic fluid shot from his thigh joint. i had scored a lucky shot. cerbus' leg slowly straitened then locked into place, forcing him to drag it behind him as he limped to the cover of a grove of trees.

"Who's laughing now, asshole," i mumbled. cerbus did not respond as i began my climb up the ridge to finish the job.

Left Turn?

2006-01-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

i think i will go back to writing strange things on this space...i need to get them mind back in gear as well. i may have some strange refferences later today. strange? poetry and rambling...i'm sure you are all sick of hearing about the boring things i am doing day to day. it's pretty runofthemill for me, it must be torture for someone else. let me brainless storm for a bit and get back to this!

That Is All

2006-01-05T02:10:00.000-08:00

hooray for 24 hour gyms and finding ribeye steaks for $4 a pound. i may be easily amused, but, dammit, that makes for a good day!

that is all.

Jul Is At An End

2006-01-01T16:12:00.000-08:00

hooray for drinking way too much. as every holiday season should go, i think i have my fill of hard boozing for the time being. i also am now a full fledged member of a gym for the first time ever, and i will be punishing myself in the wee hours of the morning for the coming months. not so much a newyears resolution as it is a goodlordigroanlikeafattywhenitiemyshoes and i need to not have that happen. i mean, how am i supposed to be the baddest ever if i can't even tie my own shoes...or run five miles without hurting or lift twice my weight over my head...what gives!?!?

more later

Touch Of Sunsine

2005-12-23T02:47:00.000-08:00

okay...i'm again out later than i was expecting...that is fine. i am now home and the cats are fed:) how do you pass on a little of a good night? this way. i played with three (count them, three) bands tonight. the first band was mine with a new drummer that i brought on. okay, new drummer, wasn't sure if he could hold it together. he did. well. i am psyched. then i go back to my bar, and find out that the music act for the night does not have a bass player. they are good and have all the gear, but the fingers did not show up...i have the fingers, and threw down in a fantastic fashion...so much so that the last band up kept me on. good lord, i rule! ala phil ken sebben, "haha...giant head!" then it was a tour on the way home of bars that miss and love the ivar...okay, one. but it was nice to hang out and hear all of the gossip about town attached to the bar i should now be running. all things told, it was a night that i found myself laughing all the way home...no, really, i was laughing out loud the entire way home for sheer happiness at a pleasant night spent. that will do! i am not so much a porn-star, but when given the opportunity, i can pull off the rockstar thing like a champ!

aside from the fact that me and my younger brother put down a $50 plate of meat at a hawian b-b-q joint today...four hungry people my ass!!!! just two of the forkbeard boys!!!!!

ozzy says "wellubotubin fuckingalls bahhhnah burritos ann wuzzitbahh...sherron!!!

i love you all!"

Not Completely Dead

2005-12-20T07:30:00.000-08:00

backinthesaddleagain? not entirely. i have been running in six different directions for a good long while, trying to contribute financially to the house while being a house-wife...bobin is bobin and i would appear to be bobin's bitch. fuck. here is something that i wrote for PDX magazine that is not going to be published--i think because i used the word "shit." interesting. otherwise, i will try to do this sort of thing on occasion just to keep myself from drinking myself to death or going bonkers standard style! boy howdy do i have a lot to bitch about!!!

here goes:
ask (or don't ask) dr. forkbeard--vol 1
We all have those friends that do really well in bars. You know that guy who can walk into any bar and, by the third drink, is getting doubles for singles and shots for nothing? What about that random girlfriend who always seems to be the life of the party without coming off like some drunken tramp at a frat-party? What about your cousin from out of town that walks into your local bar and, before the night is done, is more of a regular than you are? Of course, there are some folks out there that are born with magical super-powers of bar expertise, but the reality is that most of this special treatment comes from technique, not some divine gift. Most folks who didn’t ride the social short-bus to the bar can learn how to put people, including bartenders (they are people too), at ease and have a much better time out in public. What i am telling you, kiddies, is that these feats of debaucherial prowess are matter of experience.

Fear not, my little aspiring bar-flies, the doctor is here to give you some hints on kicking ass and getting numbers in the local bar scene. It is a simple thing if you remember this one thing...most people that frequent bars are tool-boxes! The competition for awards like “most annoying” and “fake-o-ramma,” is alive and kicking in every bar you have ever been to and it doesn't take a world class sociologist to see it. If you can avoid pissing people off, you are one step ahead of the norm.
The lesson for this month: how to get a drink.

I have heard people say time and time again, “Let’s not go there. It’s a cool bar, but you can never get a drink there.” This should never be a deterrent for a destination. There may be people waving money, yelling or banging on the bar, but if you play your cards right, you should get your drink(s) first.

The first thing you should do when you walk up to the bar proper is figure out where the wells are. This is where the ice, the mixers, the booze and, most of the time, the bartender is. The other place you want to mark is the register. Don’t inhabit the edge of the bar in the corner and expect the bartender to make their way down to you the second you walk up...No! Bad rookie! Don’t be scared. Walk right up and wade into the thick middle part of the bar where the people are milling around six-deep and get after it!

Contrary to popular belief, waving your arms or throwing things is not the best way to get the drink-slinger’s attention. The best way is being focused. Sound too simple? It is simpler said than done. A busy bar has a lot of interesting characters and conversations all packed into the spaces between barstools and the urge to gawk or respond to the occasional catcall can become overwhelming. Fight this! There will be plenty of time to shoot-the-shit after acquiring drinks. The fastest way to get a bartender to believe you mean business is eye contact, a smile and a nod.

Next, know what you want and how you want it when you get there. If the bar is busy, chances are, you will have to wait. Use that time to figure out what the hell you are going to order so that when the drink-monger comes about, you are a wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am type of customer. You want to piss your bartender off in a big way--wait until he takes a break from his hectic runnings back and forth to ask you what you want and you say either, “What do you got?” or, “Ummmm, I’m not sure.” He has better things to do and, if you waffle for long enough, he may just go do them without giving you a drink!

Last but never least, TIP! There should never be a time or a reason ever...EVER...that there isn’t something left on the bar when you walk away. If the service is that bad or the bartender is that rude, leave. Go someplace that actually is cool...if you are not the problem;)

Try these simple techniques and you can bet your sweet butt that your second, third and fifteenth rounds will come in the blink of an eye, no matter how many whistling, money-waving, bar-slapping, non-tipping idiots are crowding up to the rack with you!
Good luck and check back in for more tips next month! ;)

what's wrong with that? meh.

First War Post...

2005-11-18T01:14:00.000-08:00

i have re-invented myself in the wonderful world of warcraft. yes, i am a geek and have been one for a good long while. tear into me if you will, but i have a goodly number of fellow geeks all over the world and, a word to the thrifty, playing warcraft is a hell of a lot cheaper and better on your bod than drinking! big fat fun, and i will help anyone who wants to try with i thirty day free pass...i will e-mail the codes! think about that!

The Party Is Not The Party Sometimes...Or Is It?

2005-11-13T03:10:00.000-08:00

i am still here and still fighting for the "better life..." as rikki rathman said during the way back like some of us know...keep one foot in the gutter and one hand in the stars! this is my mantra. i am still "that guy" when i need to be, but i am trying to be the man that is required. keep the faith, and when it is prudent, you will all live vicariously through me yet again. give me time...i am not yet off the map! i am still the royal aggressor...just not telling you about it for the time being.

fight fire with fire...

old school!

yes

Not Really A Post

2005-10-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

customer service | sales | project management | writing & editing  
People Person – Able to connect with a wide range of people in a short period of time
Team Player – Thrive in an interactive, people-focused work culture
List-Maker – Experienced in managing people, resources, scope and ideas
Devil’s Advocate – Able to negotiate and brainstorm by thinking outside of the cubie
Grammar Guru – Schooled in the arts of writing and editing

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
08/05 – current Ad Sales/Editing/Writing PDX Magazine
08/05 – 09/05 Bar Manager Bistro Montage
09/00 – 09/05 Bartender/Marketing Samatha Inc. 04/04 – 12/04 Marketing/Business Dev. Consultant PortlandRE
01/00 – 08/00 Analyst/Surveyor Trillium Inc.
11/97 – 03/00 Exec. Security/House Manager McMenamins
07/98 – 04/99 Teacher/ GED SAT Instructor Cascade Ed. Unit
And then some… 
OBJECTIVE

I would like to obtain a sales position within an established yet growing Oregon company. I would like to be given the opportunity to interact with a diverse client base, and put myself into a position where I can be challenged in my day-to-day activities.  
RELEVANT PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
 For ten months, I was consulting and assisting with the development of a for-sale-by-owner real estate company called PortlandRE. My primary focus with this company was project management and business development, which consisted of identifying, cataloging, and contacting people in their target market.

For the last five years, I have been instrumental in developing a bar and its clientele. This includes word-of-mouth campaigning, customer management and development and execution of marketing and sales strategies. These activities led to a 400% increase in sales in the past two years. 
This, combined with my past experience managing a staff of over forty part-time employees, displays my competency as a team player and a strategic thinker. As is a necessity for the type of work I have done, communication skills have become a specialty of mine; both conveying ideas to a wide range of personalities, putting the people i interact with at ease almost immediately and strong listening and discerning fortitude. 

EDUCATION 
BA from Lewis and Clark College with a major English Literature/Writing
One year Portland State University focus on Sociology and Philosophy
AA from Clackamas Comm. College transfer with focus English/Music/Psych/Soc 

SKILLS

Project and People Management
Customer Service
Phone Campaigning
Outside Sales
Copy Writing/Editing
Microsoft Suite
Macromedia Dreamweaver

Weak

2005-10-30T14:56:00.000-08:00

my favorite time of year...fuckerd! i am on the wagon, kids. i'll get back to you after i'm thirty...

Another Round

2005-10-28T02:39:00.000-07:00

indeed, it turned into another round of debauch for your hero! i am, as some of you may know right now, broke. therefore, i cannot roll the bars like i once could (or will again if i have my way). tonight, i went to my emotional home (tryon) and was in the mood to hang out for A drink and a smile. well, i got loaded in a good way--not a wrong way, just a good way. my tab was a whopping goose egg...yes, i drank, but everybody else paid my tab. i wanted to come home early and be the responsible one, but, in my current state of no-fucking-money, i decided to get a good buzz-on for free. this may make me a worthless sob, and i love everyone who bought me drinks, but where i am right now, i feel it is ok for me to stay out late if it means i am breaking even. i have and promote everyone who is in the position to supply drinks to the less fortunate monetarialy...lord knows there are thousands of dollars out there in drinks that have been a direct action of my actions...if you throw when you can and throw in abundance when it is possible, the wheel will turn and you will have a handhold on this wheel. i don't feel bad having people buy me drinks after the long years of me buying everyone else's tab out--i just am thankful that i am still interesting enough, at my age, to have people want to pay to have me hang out! i am rambling...post drinks...but i think all is well with the world when people take care of people who take care of people who are the people in question. there is a natural order, and that order is natural.

rock!

Out And Around

2005-10-26T02:44:00.000-07:00

so it has come to my attention that i have been "outed" in certain circles. that is fine for me...granted you know that when i say me, i mean peter griffin's evil twin that does and says all the things he shouldn't, given polite society. so, just to be clear, anything i have done or said is all a product of that rancid "peter griffin" character, and the ideas and opinions voiced by this author are here to with null and void. i do apologize for my (or his) evil twin and make all further references to life and productivity in my name and my name alone!

may the rock continue in that special fashion, and may my parents never know that this is truly me!

in the immortal words of ozzy, yet again, "i love you all!"

erin, you are the best...and the queen of evil! thank the gods for sauza! hehe;)

The Issue Is Standard

2005-10-22T04:20:00.000-07:00

i have spent a lot of time wondering if what i am (which is what i do) is worth while. there are a lot of things pointing towards the contrary...i have not pulled any money down in a while. i am busy trying to be that guy that is "that guy" as far as sales and familiarity within the city-scope, factorily speaking. i am still a positive force to have around, according to all of the random places that i have frequented trying to be the sales force that is my current direction. unfortunately, i have not closed a thing. of course, it is still my first week and there is a learning curve, but i feel useless. i have been working every night and still have no income to show. i did a good job of editing the mag i am working on and have some ideas that will make the articles "pop," but that is not the endgame as of yet, so far as making a cohesive product is concerned. the "big man" (he knows who he is) is going to pay me for my "ideas," but i am still broke. i don't need to be the editor...i simply want to have my name on a project that i am proud of. if that isn't a driving force for sales on next month's mag, i don't know what else i need.

i need to stop posting when i am loaded...if i could cut those out, this site would be a little sparce!

thank you, blogger:)

Holy Crap!!!!

2005-10-19T02:09:00.000-07:00

i went to the studio with a friend of mine tonight to "help" him get through some of his first tracks recorded...if you have done this before, you know it is not so simple and extremely punishing. downside: he wasted his time...all of the tracks that he did ended up being crap and he had to bag his day after spending $100 and having nothing to show. yeah, he was pissed. upside: the owner of the studio recognized me and needs a bass player for his band. not being conceited or anything like that, i get offers like this all of the time and, while i am polite and say "let's see what happens," brushing them off delicately, he gave me a cd of a mix that was just him and a drummer (him doing all the other parts) that he informed me does not really show what his band is doing now. i smiled and said "sure, guy," as i am wont to do in such situations...never burn bridges in any way shape or form. i got into my car and threw the stuff on and.........holy fucking shit!!!! it rocks! he is a fantastic writer and vocalist. the sound is heavy. really heavy in a non-death-metal heavy. for all you hard kids out there, it sounds like pepper keenan and the boys (corrosion of conformity) with a zak wylde kind of guitar and vocal feel. !!!!! they have a few upcoming shows and i think it will be in my power to be playing with them. you like apples? hows about i bend you over that barstool right over there...how do ya like them apples!

the real question comes down to:

"what do you want to do with your life..."

and dee snider comes back with a handfull of steel and a proclamation!

PDX Magazine

2005-10-18T16:43:00.000-07:00

now i sit in my local coffee shop, drinking chai and wondering if i have the magical ability to pull off anything i put my mind to. i have gone to the place that is called "magazine." it is a cool little rag that is an about-town affair. i am doing a little bit of everything for them, but primarily sales. i will also be writing a "how to behave in a bar" article every month, which will tell you how not to be a dill-rod in and around bars. ever wonder how to get a drink at a busy bar? ever wonder how some of your friends get stronger or free drinks? ever wonder how some people seem to be immediate regulars even if it's their fist time in a given joint? all this and more at your fingertips! dr. forkbeard knows the secrets and will be more than happy to share...for a price. actually, fuck that! so long as i help to rid the bar scene of the diseases known as rookieitis and ignorant-asshole (wait, that's not a disease;), then justice has been served, the cat has been fed and the garbage has been put out! additional upside: you can download the mag as a pfd...the whole thing!

i'm not back yet, but i am coming!

Networkio

2005-10-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

it seems the party never ends and the grind is relentless. as i try to crawl back to my old job...going home, i call it...i put the feelers out for a new strain of vocational debauchery. will i finish my real-estate license? will i go be an editor/copy writer for a local mag? will i finally quit being an outlaw and become the law by throwing on a badge and a gun? what about the human resources genre? most of these directions are open to me as of now, all i need do is choose...but what direction will make me happy and keep the world a nice comfortable place to live in? i am up in the air...floating in no uncertain terms. what a pain and what a blessing that i can handle such pain monetarily just now. the suggestions of pseudo-strangers would be greatly appreciated.

Just So You Know...

2005-10-07T04:30:00.001-07:00

the forkbeard took a gratuitous 24 hours off from being the man about town--to nurse said hangover and collect his thoughts. as of tonight, though, i went out and networked in order to put the classy food on the table that i am used to...the result: three jobs that i want on the back burner and not any where near impossibilities...and four jobs that i didn't even think were available that are mine if i want them! your bad viking bastich is not in serious trouble, if you know what i mean!

the updates will come as required...and you will have them! believe it!

big poppa is watching and moderately pleased

Party Time

2005-10-05T20:37:00.000-07:00

well, not so much. sorry i've been away (jack), but i have been putting in some time and thought into the new bar project. this site was going to be a listing of the goings-on at said bar. well, because of the animosity of the other manager on the restaurant side, and the constant redirection and dictation of policy, product and staff, i quit/was fired. unemployed. weak sauce. i quit a perfectly fantastic job for a misleading pitch. double dammit!!!!!!

anyone need a slinger/basher/pedler?

Oh My Gods

2005-09-28T03:16:00.000-07:00

tonight i went out....i mean went out. i needed this. it was good. i found someone else that understands what it is to devote themselves to "different" powers. it is a conversation that i hope will be continued at a later date. it was with a warrior and i hope i will have more insight in the coming days.

there is no rock, only battle!

trust, i know.

Ahhhh, Slow Bar

2005-09-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

if you wake up in the morning with a tattoo of flaming dice on your neck, you might be a greaser.

if the cuff on your jeans is taller than your actual boots, you might be a greaser.

if the booth you and your friends were sitting in looks like the back of the couch post-soul-glow family in "coming to america," you might be a greaser.

if you think the song "viva las vegas" was originally done by the dead kenedys, you might be a greaser.

ahhh...slow bar.

Still Here...Still Wrong

2005-09-22T03:22:00.000-07:00

i have been here, like you all think i am despondent!!! living the dream...loving my child and trying to hold onto what and who i might have been and who i was...it's not so hard when you have a partner of the caliber of mine! be assured i will not forget to tell you about the party with the team ducati racing boys, or the happy times i had at new places with little beans. i am just spent right now. i am not gone...i just will take more time in the future to make this a place of interest!

i'm trying!

rock on, ghost rider!

Fire

2005-09-15T19:02:00.000-07:00

what is it about a five gallon vat of home made salsa...granted salsa that could take the paint off the hood of a car...that makes you want to continue eating it? i mean, i just powered through a half a bag of tortilla chips, my mouth burning the entire time, and i

could

not

stop

myself

from piling more and more of that beautiful smoldering rojo goodness onto my already blazing tounge! i've never understood how or why this compulsion takes me and forces me along such a masochistic path which i will return to in roughly 60 seconds.

maybe i'll ask my friend, the fish...he usually knows about such things!

Pickaxe Jaxson

2005-09-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

the rajun cajun, randy jackson...one of my minions.

sitting in the local bar...well, not so local after an interview--and yes, of course you need to drink copious amounts of beer after such things. the discussion turned, as it sometimes does, to whipping ass. now i have been to the school of "hai-fucking-ya," and graduated with a degree in dropping the hammer...or, in the case of my elbow and forearm, the "axe." i've busted plenty of shit up with my elbows and forehead, but some folks are just not built for shiver-hits...like randy. he wants the axe, what he has is the pickaxe. visualize the difference.

so we had been doing shots of tuaca and decided to mix it up a bit...by dumping the shots into redbull. oddly enough, it was freaking delicious and went down far to easily. i'm sure there is a name for this drink already, but none of us knew what it was, so we named it ourselves. by royal decree, let the "pickaxe jaxson" forevermore be a tasty adult beverage to placate the masses!

Silly

2005-09-12T03:53:00.000-07:00

i didn't make enough time in the studio yesterday, to make a recording of my singing prowess. everyone who knows me and/or has seen me in concert, knows it is at least something. when the cage-match progresses, you will all hear more. this sounds like great fun to me!

A Weekend Again

2005-09-09T01:02:00.000-07:00

i am sitting in a bar and it is far too late for me to be out. it was a long day and i should call it, but the time at the rack here is proving to be extremely therapeutic. there is something about wi-fi in a bar--you know, goldshlager and crown royal brought to you whilst i surf all of your sites and play warcraft--it is an extremely beautiful thing. so there is drink-slinging post bobin on the morrow, then an early session in the studio 80 miles away, a ride back up to town for a family portrait at 4, then back down to the studio, then another bobin day, then to slinging drinks at 5 and GOOD GODS! sorry about the capitals and the bitching...i am just happy sitting here and hope you all treasure your sleep. fortunate for me, my beans is the most fabulous thing on the planet and is, as i write, holding down the fort while i have dinner and have a drink or two.

try this: at anyplace that actually serves bacon with anything on the menu, order 10+ pieces of bacon and a side of mayo. when it comes to you, simply throw the mayo on the floor and sink the bacon into your drink like celery in a bloody mary. if you are truly evil, order another side of mayo while smacking loudly with the bacon in your mouth--finish your drink, the bacon, always tip well and leave the mayo untouched. go further: tell the server that the mayo was fantastic, ask about a possible bacon special for future reference. smile sweetly, and skip out the door.

ahhh...the rockstardom...it makes me cry a little...one tear.

Drawn Out Day

2005-09-08T03:22:00.000-07:00

so i work two jobs these days...well, not a full two, maybe one and a half. my half is doing the peripherals for the new place i'm opening up--you know, "find the contractor" and "wait for the materials." it's a *come in whenever you want* kind of situation that doesn't really require much of my time if i don't want to do it. the other job--full time--is the bobin. long days are made by that little man, but yet, i am really happy to spend the time with him. what i worry about is when i get two full-time jobs. what will i do? will i make it? will i make enough money for someone else to help me make it? fun stuff for sure. if i pull it off, the "rockstar" title will stick...really. i think the real challenge is smelling good throughout the whole experience.

but i am so tired, i'm sure i am not making any sense at all! :)

I've Finally Arrived

2005-09-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

it has been a long time coming, and, well, i really have a lot of people to thank. first and foremost, mom, dad...you really made all this possible, james, travis and the gods for putting up with me...oh, there is just so many people, on this occasion--my first spam. can you even believe it? i've made it into the bloggersphere as a real honest-to-god member. yep...i said member.

oyster shooters for celebration!

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Jack Palance

2005-09-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

when i grow up, i want to be jack palance. that is all.

Dammit!

2005-09-05T01:06:00.000-07:00

the world of warcraft is denying me entry. all i want is to rend and kill unsuspecting quillboars and zeverahs, but i am being shut down. i am now reduced to adult swim. not to mention daddy needs a new pair of green felt pimp-shoes and another pair of elvis sunglasses. that's right!

Jokenoke...

2005-09-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So, he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

-thanks, dad...i'll have the wing-sauce!

"It's Been A While"

2005-09-02T02:52:00.001-07:00

since i posted recently. but all pop song titles aside, i have had a lot on my mind. i am in a constant state of hunting for employees, not to mention convincing every tom dick and harry that they need to come to a bar that does not yet exist! it will happen soon...i hope? anyone who has had to ride contractors will know what i mean. it is filthy trouble! "i will be there this day..." "where the fuck are they?" go figure, it is hard being a rockstar when there is no place to be a rockstar at! i am still positive, even though some asshole slashed three of my tires the other night...i don't have the disposable cash for that shit right now! but, rockstar is still the operative term.

keep staying filthy, sandiego!

Weekly Specials?

2005-08-25T15:19:00.000-07:00

so i have decided to create my daily specials for my new bar via forum. portlanders, your new hangout will be tailored to your specifications...non-portlanders, please feel free to know there is a bar somewhere that is functioning to the standards you would want in your favorite hole! i will keep you updated...but i know you booze-hounds will have something to say!

raise hell ala proxy, kids!

At Last

2005-08-25T04:35:00.000-07:00

my final night at the tryon creek bar and grill...i can't help feeling somewhat nostalgic. i worked that place from bad bad bad to good, and i will miss it. it was safe. a lesson to all of you kids out there who want to short time, though: i will have a job at the drop of a hat if i ever need to come back. this from the owner. in fact, he want's to retire one of my work jerseys just to make it kinda legendary...i used to wear a different insulting shirt to work every day one summer...i have like forty. i need to pick one, sign it, and he want's to frame it. that sounds strange to me, but it could be funny. i have one in mind: the backdrop is an idea light-bulb, and the text reads, "i'll try being nicer if you try being smarter!" a mantra to live one's life by if ever there was one.

tired. really, really tired. keep on being mean to stupid people, kids...it can only make the world a better place!

Time In A Folded Sharp Stick

2005-08-21T04:26:00.001-07:00

i, on average, have at least a half an hour of sword time a day. it has been a little sparse as of late, but it will go back to abundance any day. the thing no one seems to notice when they pick up a sword is what it sounds like. for one, the vibration of a blade just sitting in your hand is enough to tell what that blade is wont to do; be it fly, drive, slide or spin. the vibration will tell you if it is a work-horse or a delicate tool of surgery--a stopper and pusher, or a winding striking snake sliding through a thorn-bush. then when a blade moves, especially the long ones, you can hear what the air does to each. my chinese broadsword whuffles the air like a bear, demanding movement and only giving into direction after careful prodding. my black to whispers and sings; it's single sided sharpness playing the air in a different tone for each different position or embrace, yet it is not tender and is by far the fastest and deadliest thing in the house. the highland broadsword rings like a bell touching nothing...any motion at all and the steel resounds in a lulling, single-pitch note that you can feel at the base of your skull. my katana slides and clicks and favors silence...when it rings it is abrupt and short--to the point--then still again. my kenyan bush-knife buzzes and is only happy when spinning--like a hummingbird. blindfolded in a room, i could tell what sword someone was holding if the only move it back and forth once.

i was thinking the other day, what is the point? is there any place in this age of gun-powder and video-games for the old ways? do i waste my time spinning a pair of sai that will never leave my house? am i just an old geek with a lot of pointy toys and do i need to grow up and forget the silliness? what do you think?

It's Thursday

2005-08-19T03:42:00.000-07:00

for as surly of a bastard as i usually am, i have been putting up a lot of positive posts! well, this is no different. you all can sample my aggression on my comments on the random blogs i plague. tonight was brilliant yet again!

my day was rough, filled with slightly damaged babies and unhappy best friends...but after i left for band rehearsal, life took a turn for the better. not only did the super at our studio repair the air conditioning (no more 125* practices), we wrote two new fantastic songs. the old stuff sounded great, and our upcoming show is now in the bag!

i spent some time at my current bar talking to torie...one of my favorite people. we ran the gambit and stayed for longer than i wanted, but it was good to get my barometer readjusted.

i left my place to go and scout a new bartender for my new place. there is a great deal of subtle recent history that i will spare you, but the end product is, i spent the rest of the night at his bar, re-meeting people as they passed through and psuedo-interviewing this guy after hours. i ended up driving him home and getting to know what i was to expect. it was a success, and i now feel like i have an ally at my new place! this has been the best night i have had in a long time, and i will tell you, i needed the boost!

no worries to all of you kids that enjoy the anger of the forkbeard...i'm sure that there will be upcoming posts about how i am pissed about something or another! otherwise, you all try to keep ahead of the game!!!

Worthy...

2005-08-18T03:46:00.000-07:00

holy shit, i'm still laughing. this post honestly made me cry! "thew a shoe at my cat..." christ, i am sick in a serious way!

Balls Down

2005-08-18T02:51:00.000-07:00

i got off early tonight...a rare thing fore me, seeing i am usually the "last man standing." it was pool night in my bar. i got to put myself up against some of the best pool players in town, as luck would have it. even though it has been more than six months since the last time i really played on a table, your own forkbeard still put up even numbers...as in, against all of the real bad mo-fucksaidnothings, i came out even! of the twelve games i played against some of then meanest kids in town, i won seven games! seven! i feel as if i am still great: great at pulling a winning game out of my ass...but luck is still the lady:) and i love her as such.

rockstardom, kids!!!!

Busted

2005-08-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

cherz dropped me a line and turned me on to this little beauty. it seems like another wow chat-thread, but as you cruise down the comments, you will find someone getting busted by mom! that's the inverse of wow, in case you were curious! oh, brion and faydra...that is geek poetry!

Those Petty Bastards!

2005-08-17T04:34:00.000-07:00

i will be returning to work today at 9:30 am for a meeting. it is one of the standard "this is what is going on and what we are planning on doing" meetings. my last day at this job is the 26th of august. WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED WITH A "WHAT IS GOING ON" MEETING!?!?!? i am leaving nine days after said meeting. i don't give a flying rat's (bat) ass what they are doing or what their plans are because i will not be around. yet, i will close said bar and get home at 4:15, return to work for an hour at 9:30, then come back for a lovely ten hour shift at 5:00. and you wonder why i have less and less trouble letting go of this job? they are going to hurt like mad without me, and that isn't entirely ego...i'm the only guy who works there--as in the only one who can move kegs solo? that's me! poor girls. should have thought ahead.

any bartenders or people who want to try being bartenders in the city of portland? i need some badasses to come work for me and the first shot is dropping me a line right here. i promise to make you rich...rich, i tell you!!!

?

2005-08-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

i have now officially posted in my sleep. i slept on the couch last night to afford my little ones some sleep upstairs and when i woke, the computer was sitting open to a little full metal, and this non-sensical post (which actually means something to me...abstractly, it's what i did last night) was on my blog. i don't remember logging in. i don't remember writing it. i don't remember posting it. i wasn't even really drunk. this is somewhat frightening...and in a sick way, i really like it.

here is a little love that i stole and made my own...

why i am playing for a $3 cover, the world will never know, but all you ratbastards better come out to rock with me! even you outoftowners...get on a plane...do it!

Nice To Me?

2005-08-16T00:50:00.000-07:00

debauch and posters up? fine..much less the chicken fried steak and plus:) new alliances and what not? good night for $12.50. back to the deepness on the morrow,,,if it's not the full-metal that can fix it...i'm not really that short!

Still Got It?

2005-08-14T04:22:00.000-07:00

everyone home safely...including the forkbeard? check. the out-of-towners hooked up at an after-hour party with girls that were conjured out of nowhere? check. the reality that you are still the king of your town--even after all these years and time out of the mix? check. yes, it is a good thing that "old" cannot yet be applied. i love me some lynchmob, and i hope i live up to all that is expected of me.

rock on, kids!

Cats

2005-08-13T04:44:00.000-07:00

i love my cats. really. they are great. they are pawing at me even as i write this and you know what...i think that's fine. god may hate kittens, but you know, i really don't care what he thinks on that front! not to mention, i have a sharp axe for anyone who wants to discuss the matter in derogatory terminology! that's right, this big baddass will go to blows for his fuzzy little fur-monkeys! take that to the bank and smoke it. ?

Drive By

2005-08-12T04:23:00.000-07:00

i drove a scooter through the bar tonight. i don't think that's legal. but i got to honk my horn and it was fun.

seriously, i stole a little honda 80 from the parking-lot with a butter knife, and drove it around the pool tables. the owner of said bike (student ruben) laughed till he wet himself. this is one of the things i will miss about tryon. the silly shit i get away with that makes every night a story at least a little bit. what i will not miss is the fact that the bar is becoming the "cool" place to hang out. that means kids. that means stupid. that means no money and babysitter duty. i am looking forward to re-adjusting my clientele and making a feel that is not dictated by geography. i want people to come to the bar because the bar is the special place, not because you can walk to it from your dorm-room. i want my bar to be filled with bartenders...all the time--no more rookie bullshit. i want my bartenders to feel free to turn the gun (hose) on any fratboywasteofspace that decides he is at burger king and it's his way right away. i want my bar to be a dark, smoky, loud place, that pours a stiff drink and doubles only fit in pint-glasses. i want my bar to be the place where you can sit until your ass falls asleep and still not mind because there is someone to bring you more beer where you are planted!

and i thought i was getting no sleep now! this is going to be a long battle, kids!

Music?

2005-08-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

a recent post i read on a fabulously written blog gave me an interesting inspiration. i can make and arrange music as easily as breathe on a wide variety if instruments, but when i try to come up with words, i can't. nevermind...i can, but lord! have you ever read the words to "louie louie?" yeah, that kind of bad. anyway, i have three bands and two recording studios at my disposal, so the next logical progression should be...we should share. if you have any words that you think could be put to music, throw them at me and the collaboration is available.

just a thought.

And I Grit My Teeth

2005-08-10T04:15:00.000-07:00

and bear the floundering last few weeks of putting up with the previously didactic soap-opera that was my old job. schedualing falling to shit--training falling to shit--continuity falling to shit. it is my turn in the rumor mill, and i just can't seem to care. not that the mill has ever grinded me up that badly ever...i am usually the control group. as it sits, i just do my job and fight the short-timers disease that always seems to come out of nowhere and bite you in the ass during the dying throes of finite employment. how do temps do it?

"that's how you do it"
"what do you mean?"
"i mean, here is twenty-one bucks for one round"
"and they didn't tip?"
"that is the tip"
"holy shit! from those three guys? did you know them really well?
"never met them before in my life"
"bullshit. are you serious?"
"it's a gift there, kiddo. you will learn how to push the buttons...pay attention to everyone all the time and people will start to make sense"

if they can only pay attention...we will make them great...and that's not just the world series of poker!

Weekend/Challange Post

2005-08-09T05:03:00.000-07:00

so, the last five days have been a whirlwind of debauch. all of the boston kids came into town and we tore it up. special shout to all those guys...especially ludd, quist and pisqualli...all great guys and i enjoyed hanging out with you. for pictures and full input on wazzap, check beans at her site. all the pretty particulars of one of my best friend's wedding should be out for all to see.

as far as the meat feed went, my little brother assed out. that's right, someone was too busy sleeping on saturday to go for the meat, and someone bailed out of the wedding early to "get home and get packed for flying out." i call bullshit, but that is yet another story. i mean, saturday: so you partied till 7:00am...i partied till 6:30 and you didn't see me whining like a little girl! that's right...not even those great big girls we used to play rugby with, but a little girl; one with freckles and pigtails, looking at the empty sugar-cone in her hand and wondering tearfully at the scoop of strawberry bubble-gum ice cream that sits melting on the pavement at her little pink-patent-leather-bowed-feet. you got some work to do to save any scent of baddass that may be hanging around you from contact with me on thursday. that must be why you snuck out of the wedding...to avoid the verbal tongue-lashing that you knew was imminent. well, buck-o, no one gets off that easy, even if you were again and again.

you owe me pain.

Mob Sightings

2005-08-04T04:07:00.000-07:00

finally, finished with work. i now will not have to worry about going in to work until tuesday evening. though it is not a vacation, there will be much in the way of party. i saw the honorable s.j.lynchmob esquire at work tonight for the first time in over a year. gods, i love that kid. it kind of made it all real for me. there is a wedding going on this weekend. i will be surrounded by people that really make me happy and i will be creating some of those great big ">do you remember the time when..." kind of memories that i am finding, in my old age, i treasure a great deal. i will be up to it. i will have a good time. there is not really anything short of major horror that could keep this from being fun. i just need to sleep a bit, then get up ready to kick some ass!

hell, i may even post some pictures;)

Another Day

2005-08-03T04:04:00.000-07:00

i dread the weekend. that's right, i will be the home base man for a bunch of professional drinkers that are coming in from out of town for a wedding...a wedding that i am actually in. what really scares me is the impending visit from my little brother. the competition does not stop at how much meat we can eat. oh no, there will be the shot contest as well. when 250 pound men do to doing shots in abundance, things get broken. i just have to figure out which bars i never want to go back to...ever again.

on a lighter note, i remain a handsome man with an ass you can bounce quarters ten feet off of. there will be more bass than i can handle soon anyway. shall we name the bar forkbeard's landing?

The Platter...Pre

2005-08-02T01:08:00.000-07:00

bamboo grove...yes, a restaurant indeed. a hawaiian barbecue to be more precise:) the younger brother calls me today and says, "hey, numb-nuts, the challenge is on!" to which i respond, "what challenge might that be?" comes the cheerful retort, "bamboo grove--kahuna!" well, that is a challenge indeed. the kahuna platter is a pile of meat. plain and simple, this not-so-little slice of heaven is supposed to feed a family of 4 to 8. the kehei rib/tariaki beef/kalua pork platter is $50, and i think little bro and i are getting one each. has he forgotten who king carnivore is? is he daft? does the natural order need to be re-established? i think he has forgotten. the heat in arizona has melted his brain and it is up to me to realign it.

just to clarify, it is not so much a question of can we ingest the kahuna platter, it is a question of who will finish first!

SONOFABITCH!

2005-08-01T04:27:00.000-07:00

no...not the band, the loud and heartfelt curse! i did take my new boat up to the river today; foregoing sleep and discomfort, knowing full well that i would be damning myself to a truly painful night at work all for the sake of jumping off waterfalls in a fantastic new kayak. well, wouldn't you know, i am again proven to be too clever for my own good. the zipper we "fixed" in order to make the kayak a viable water vehicle in spite of that being the reason the craft was so inexpensive? we didn't really fix it at all. pump it up to rocket weight and boom, zipper let's go. fuck. no rigid boat.

i am a big man. it is a small boat. it was not being run correctly. i was too heavy. please refer to the post title.

i had to relinquish my new boat to our friend, bushman, who is half my size, and watch him tool around and get drunk in my new boat, while i became the guide for the whitewater raft and the three newbies going down heavy rapids for the first time. what this means is, i got really wet, i did an unreasonable amount of paddling, and was generally robbed of a great deal of fun trying to get the asshole in the front right to believe that i wasn't shouting "pull" and "drag" for my own health, but for the health of the hull of the boat and the high hopes of hitting the good parts of the rapids!

a rushed trip home from the river itself gave me a scant hour to prepare for work. a tricky and trying endeavour when all you want to do is sleep. about half way through the night, my right leg starts to itch. soon thereafter, it starts to burn...and yes, by then i have put two and two together and come up with: "i forgot to put suntan lotion on a leg that i was expecting to leave in the sheath of a kayak for the duration of the day." that's right, kids, the leg in the boat, wet and exposed all day long, is burned to a freaking crisp. what a great day...i need to go to sleep right now.

please, travis, be sleeping!

Burning Out Is Hard To Do...

2005-07-31T04:23:00.000-07:00

it has finally happened...i am fed-up with my job as it sits. there are a lot of problems, and there will be problems with any job, but these have festered into true pain-in-the-ass proportions. i think it may be the impending possibility of a new job coming my way, or the multiple other jobs that are constantly coming my way, or just that i am downright tired these days. either way, i now am at the point that i will quit anyway...even if i don't get a new job. now, don't get me wrong, i love my bar...but that is just the problem as of late...it is not really my bar at all. while the feel and the function are all my doing as well as a fair amount of the clientele, my hands are still tied as far as not jerking the staff around. when all is said and done, i am still simply an employee with no more say than the people that have been working there mere months and that chaps my ass. i am good at what i do. i am really good at what i do. i could fix many if not most of the problems that the place is running into as an afterthought and not even break stride doing the job i already do now. unfortunately, i guess that is not what the company is looking for...you know, functionality. i don't work for idiots, but their fear of a strong willed independent thinker that will actually do things without needing an outline and an "ok" on trivial matters has basically bored me right out of the company. sad for them, with word of my imminent departure, the notices have already started coming in. there is one that went in today, there are two that have been written and are waiting on me to drop the hammer and then, of course, mine. that seems trivial, you may say. we have a staff of seven. of the three remaining, one is the assistant manager, one has been there for three months, and the last is just getting to her first month...bartending...ever. i feel really bad for the folks left behind, but, they did make their own bed and money, shock and perversion, just isn't enough sometimes.

Down The River

2005-07-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

so i go out to price inflateable kayaks yesterday. me and the illustrious thorin bounce from store to store looking for the holy-grail of inflateables...the unpuncturable! finally, our last stop, downtown rei--expensive nice boats only. just as we are ready to pack it in, i hear someone call my name. it is my old buddy, steve, who is now an employee of rei. long story short, we find ourselves in the back room looking at horribly nice rigs that have been returned for some reason or another...like the $600 white-water rig that has a broken zipper. after further inspection, we come to the conclusion that the zipper is not actually broken, simply off track and we fix it...thus walking out with this not-really-used-too-much $150 rig that freaking rules. i will be on the upper santiam river tomorrow shooting rapids and smiling like someone who got away with a crime!

what a good day!

Sneaky Magee

2005-07-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

i wonder if anyone still reads this piece of crap?

as i sit here playing with my new toy, the apple pieBook, i realize that i have an outlet that has been left untapped for a great deal of time...i can write stories to people that most likely don't exist!!! bwahahaha! so here we go.....

i want to move my band back into my basement. that's right, kiddies, the mighty OCD under my own roof. yes, i know that seems like a loud endeavour, but, there are up-sides: 1)i can never really be late to practice. i mean, i would really have to be out there not to be home on time...;) 2)my fridge is within spitting distance. cold beer and rock are what this great country was founded on and i could give a rat's ass if you think different. 3)i am already paying rent on the rehersal studio. maybe i will charge rent? maybe i will dangle the fact that i have a mortgage over my bandmates heads as a "poor me" bs excuse to be a prick? i don't know. 4)full set of gear set up in my basement. i like to play the drums. i don't exactly suck at playing the drums. i don't want to buy a drumset. answer:trick drummer into leaving kit at house! brilliant! i think it will happen within the next week now that i have decided it's a good idea.

party on, wayne.

Holy Crap

2005-04-06T03:48:00.000-07:00

holy crap! i didn't post for the entire month of march! way too long. anyway, i should try to come back and do this more often. maybe i will change this site from forkbeard's landing to the "i hate derek jeter" chatroom. he is a peice of crap. to catch you up a bit, well, i am still me, beans is still beans, and if you want to know how things are really going, you should check out her site for indepth details.

bands have come and gone, two actually. i was in and out and still in demand, but i am picky in my old age. i am addicted...addicted to the worlds of warcraft! the greatest online rpg ever made...i mean, holy crap again (only this time, i want the holy crap to sound like peter griffin finding a mouse in a bottle of beer).

the sox need kurt back...i need pitching, dammit, pitching! imagine you are slated to play the patuckett red sox, and there, on the mound, is the guy who was insturmental in winning the world series last year. crap. just crap.

Well...

2005-02-16T04:27:00.000-08:00

i am officially short on time these days. i really love to read these days and all of the great blogs that i frequent require feedback most times. that is the haps. i have not been updating. for all of you who stop by because of my comments on other sites, please be welcome...read the archives...leave me comments...i will get them. otherwise, i will be back in the saddle when i can!

Ahhhhhh...

2005-02-05T02:49:00.001-08:00

it's been a trying day...a day of self doubt...a day of discomfort due to long hours and short sleep...a day of wandering and looking for something that would make me feel better...

you have those days of discomfort. i had one. past tense. it was all solved by a lucky stroke: the bar across the street from my house was training a new cook. that means, there was a cook all the way up to two thirty in the morning.

i ate three meals.

three wonderous meals! seems funny? a weak meal can seem like heaven if you are the right kind of hungry. i was the right kind of hungry, and the head cook is a friend of mine. good times! three meals! the last of wich was a fantastic burger with pepperjack cheese and jalapen-yos...and wouldn't you know it, dave (the cook) threw in some haban-yer-ohs just 'cause he knows what i like! poor beans:)

and the moral to the story is...all the drinking and meyhem that you could possibly throw down doesn't amount to shit next to a good meal sometimes.

thank you odin!

WooHoo

2005-01-12T01:17:00.000-08:00

so i have decided that i will now be drinking two days a week only...thursday and friday. that is my weekend. this weekend will be a hoot becuase cherz and i will be creating and sporting our drinking helmets. between now and friday, i must construct something with an internal power source and a reasonably comfortable design whilst not sacraficing any of the style that is necassary in a drinking helmet. pictures will be forthcoming!

Oh, You Silly Kids

2005-01-10T04:13:00.000-08:00

when you are not of the appropriate age to enter a bar and you want to use an i.d. that has been altered or is not you, here are some helpful tips...

1) never hide from the bartender: this is a fantastic give-away that you are not on the up and up.
most bartenders are like cats in that fasion...the best way to get us to chase you is to run away. walk confidently up to the bar. look the bartender in the eyes. order your drink. smile when you hand said bartender your i.d. when requested. my motto for everything shady is this: if you act like you are supposed to be doing what you are doing, most times people will not even notice you are there.

2) do not take i.d. that is not shit-hot into a bar: take those i.d.'s that don't look quite like you or the ones that you made at home on your laptop or the ones that you altered with a razorblade and a felt pen...take those to a convienience store where the clerk is making almost nothing and couldn't give a flying you know what so long as you have something that looks close. the worst you will get from the clerk is a tired shake of the head and a "can't take this" response. any bartender worth thier apron will take your fake i.d. away from you. do not think that this is a case of the bartender being an asshole or any such simple stuff...the truth is, we card a million people a day, all of them drinking, and cannot possibly remember every face that walks in and out of the bar. we leave the fake with you, you come back another night or try it on another bartender, and boom...our asses! i have seen some really good fakes in my day...some so good i let them slide. i have never not taken a not-so-great i.d. or one that wasn't the person handing it to me. and i take great delight in berating the young soul all the way out the door for offending my professionalism by trying to pass off the awful peice of shit they handed me.

3) do not use your friend's i.d. if that friend is a regular at the bar you are going too: that's right, it actually happens all the time...i get kids trying to give me i.d.'s that belong to people i actually know. there have been times when i have called the person who owned the i.d. on my cell while the person who handed me the i.d. waited and had the people on the phone chew their own idiot-friends out for this class-move. it happened again tonight! i gave this girl a wrath of shit for trying to pass it off and then, convieniently, placed the i.d. in reasonable range from the other side of the bar and turned my back. the young lady in question promptly hopped up on the bar, snached her friend's i.d. and ran out the door. i got a good laugh at that one. i will get a better laugh when i tell laura that some little girl tried to use her i.d. in my bar. then i will tell her just what kind of trouble they can both get in.

Sickness

2005-01-07T02:49:00.000-08:00

i have a sickness. the ailment that i am afflicted with is fun. the rub is, it's not only my fun that i am addicted to, it's the fun of everyone around me! translated directly...i am compelled to pay the tab of anyone i am spending time with. is it a bad thing? i'm not sure. but i do it and i hope somewhere in the karmik functionings of the world, it means something to some one some where. luckey for me, life is good and we all are happy.

Quotation

2005-01-05T03:46:00.000-08:00

funky dave gets the quote of the night..."they are all a bunch of superfluous whoring boors!" when the first sounds are switched (booring whores), it frightfully comes out meaning the same thing. any guesses at to what or who we are talking about? take a stab...

What? Me Bitch?

2005-01-03T05:18:00.000-08:00

i must be getting old.

we have a new band of little white boys that have moved into the neighborhood around my bar. they are under the distinct impression that they are a) ballers, b) the coolest thing to walk since elvis or c) hard-asses. i have worked my way through all of these hang-ups with these poor misguided boys and they are still a lost cause. they know they are not hard, becuase it only took one of me to put four of them to the pavment and keep them there when they were having an "altercation" outside of the bar one night. they should know by now they are not the coolest, because no one can stand any of them for more than a half hour. they should stop acting like ballers after this evening when i explained a cardinal rule to them all this evening.

firstly, these are the kind of guys who walk up to the bar, pull the assorted small bills and change out of their pockets, spend a great deal of time poking at it, then look up and say "what's the cheapest beer you got?" then, when they find that they have just barely enough, the argument for why they can't get "hooked up" commences. finally i had had enough. in front of everyone at the bar, i cut loose on these poor, misguided little bitches.

the rant began with me explaining that no bartender in the world likes to hear "what is the cheapest thing you got" from anyone at any time. you may mean it, but don't actually say it, because you may just hear the response, "the cheapest thing i got is directions to the fucking mini-mart accross the street--where you should take your nickels and dimes and buy yourself a fourty of high-life and leave the bar-drinking to the professionals, you fucking rookie!"

next, the whole idea that i, as the bartender, should "hook you up" just because--after no provocation (tipping/help cleaning/offers of sex or what not)--is absolutely ludicrous! do you think you are that charming? did i accidentally make a pass at you? do i owe you something or do you want to owe me? is there some kind of magic respect that i should give you just because you insist on talking like a stereotype gangsta from an early ninetys street-life movie? do i even know you?!?!?!?

finally, there is the bottom line...you are making real players look bad. you are trying to walk the walk and talk the talk, but you are not using your weak little minds nearly enough. in order to pull off that persona, you really need to pull it off at every level. what makes a baller a baller?
$$$$$$$$$$
if you don't have it, don't go to a bar and beg for drinks and expect to be anything but a begger and a scrounge. don't go with change and hope for a good reception when you can only muster exact change every time you step to the bar. don't expect to be treated like a player just on your looks. if you can't afford to go to the bar, for god's sake, stay the hell home! back in my younger years (and today too...i'm not that old), me and my friends would never ask the price of a drink or what was cheaper than what...you ordered what you wanted to drink, handed the bartender a twenty, tipped at least two, and gave the rest to the dancers! how hard of a concept is that?!?!?!? as a result, i never paid a cover, never waited in line, never couldn't get a table and always got the nicest of the nice drinks. and i got news...i am a white guy and oft-times was the only one in the bars i was at! so take off your damned doo-rag, pull up your damned pants, and try a little damned respect in a place of freaking business!!!

i think i almost made one of them cry.

MajikChristmas

2004-12-22T13:23:00.000-08:00

hemorrhaging money anyone?

i like the holidays a great deal because i like to shop more than a manhatten housewife. during this time of year, i can go out and drop a grand a day for a week and really not feel bad about it! the other upside to this year is i am now impervious to any letdown resulting from lack of gifts that i could get because i already got myself a new car…which i love…which will be the subject of another rant later. and speaking of rants… here is a little bit of heartwarming holiday happy from a real industry standard.

Today

2004-12-14T03:10:00.000-08:00

wife is short and getting fatter by the minute. she has been fighting through the first stages of that whole pregnancy thing; and apart from crazy hormonal and physiological mean tricks her body is playing on her, she is the toughest trooper in the world. tonight i went out on one of my rare (and growing rarer) outings with a member of my temporary band. i put this young soul that i play with (older than me) in the dirt, and walked home after b.s.ing with one of my favorite bartenders…tonya says “hi,” beans!…only to find that my house is a picture of beauty and tidiness! the ikea catalog would be inspired! not only is the house a picture of clean and kick-ass living…the tree i bought my pretty girl today is up and decorated! my mom would be proud. this is just a word to all of you fine girls who are living through the men in your lives and the things they have done to you…”you are the shizzle…but you have nothing on mrs. james keller!”

Convoy III

2004-12-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

a brilliant flash signified the end of another of the pirate vessels. someone had gotten lucky and hit a fuel core. the shock wave hit a little bit later, but was accompanied by no sound. funny thing about dog-fights in space… jason sluiced the tail of his lance in an attempt to get angle on one of the faster of the enemy ships and nearly ran into a randomly fired rocket. at the range the ships were spinning around each other, there was no room for a lock of any kind, making self propelled weaponry a danger to all of the combatants. as he watched, the pirate he was moving in behind fired off a barrage of auto-chaff in response to a harmless radar lock.

“Wrong thing to be worried about,” mumbled jason under his breath, as he walked a focused burst through the starboard stabilizer of his target. the explosion of the small stabilizer jet was not enough to destroy the craft outright; but without it, the ship’s primaries sent it spinning off out of the fight before the pilot could do anything about it. the pilot might limp the ship home, but he was effectively out of the fight.

“Bravo one, this is Alpha leader. We could use a hand over here…got us a Frankenstein rigger. Transmitting coordinates now…Goddamn, this is a big sonofabitch. Repeat, Bravo one, this is Alpha leader, please disengage soonest and give support. We’re getting our asses handed to us over here, boss.”

jason tapped his virtual controls, filing through the remaining targets. there was only one light scout between his unit and what looked to be a converted freighter. it was big…nearly a quarter the size of the fls drake. “Roger that, Alpha leader. Just cleaned up over here and coming to you now. Hang in there, Bret!” tapping the controls again, jason upped his magnification to get a look at the thing. judging by the general shape of the frankenstein, it had been a freighter of some sort at some time. it was hard to tell what kind through all of the miss-matched armor and the bristling of jammers and cannons covering the hull. these types of tank/ship combos had enough room to house the proliferation of jamming equipment required to stimey most any type of missile attack, leaving a head on run through the gauntlet of laser and plasma banks as the only option. judging by debris and inert lance’s, alpha section was getting pretty chewed up trying to run that gauntlet. jason keyed the general override push.

“All Alpha units, disengage frankenstein rigger. Make distance from contact one-five-oh kliks at shortest. Get out of the way, ladies.” jason quickly did some calculations with the help of the ai, and sent them to bravo wing. “All Bravo units, disengage all tracking and radar, repeat, go to visual only. I have sent you clearance codes to feed your ai’s. do so now, and on my mark, fire all remaining missile salvos at that big bastard! Three…Two…One…Mark!” as a unit, bravo wing loosed it’s remaining missiles. jason had fed their computers null commands, turning off all warheads and tracking for all of the missiles making them immune to any jamming or premature detonation countermeasures. essentially, he had just launched about two hundred jet-powered spears at the great hulk.

he dialed up the magnification just in time to watch the ats on the frankenstein try and pick up all those targets. it got about a third. the heavy plate along the beam of the ship deflected another quarter. the rest started punching through the weak points of the armor, making small sparks as atmosphere was voided from the converted freighter. it was only a matter of time before…

the ship seemed to expand as rays of light poked out of the breaches in the hull. the final reaction was blindingly spectacular…the huge power core in the freighter went off like a tiny supernova. even the ships that had made the 150 kilometer range from the ship were tossed around like leaves in a hurricane. jason saw two status lights go blank for Alpha wing, but there was nothing left to fight. the threat to the convoy was no more.

Ahhh, The Power Of Meat

2004-12-08T05:33:00.000-08:00

as i write this, i am in the process (at 0-dark thirty in the morning) of eating the most beautiful piece of meat i have seen in a long time...yes, i just cooked it at 5:30 am...i couldn’t wait. so what you do is, you take a two and a half pound hunk of angus boneless ribeye steak...about three inches thick...you cut it open long ways down the middle and insert sliced whole garlic cloves, kosher rock-salt and pepper...fold it back up and punch holes through the top...then you fill those holes with butter. you then cook it nice and slow, adding cajun spices to go with the garlic. when it is just right there to being past rare, you take it off the steamer grill, pour it’s own sauces over the top of the steak and break out the worcestershire and horseradish, a silver fork and a sharp hunting knife and..........oh...sorry, i made a mess in my pants just now. i hate it when that happens, but i love me some meat!!!