Wednesday, January 12, 2005

WooHoo

so i have decided that i will now be drinking two days a week only...thursday and friday. that is my weekend. this weekend will be a hoot becuase cherz and i will be creating and sporting our drinking helmets. between now and friday, i must construct something with an internal power source and a reasonably comfortable design whilst not sacraficing any of the style that is necassary in a drinking helmet. pictures will be forthcoming!

Monday, January 10, 2005

Oh, You Silly Kids

when you are not of the appropriate age to enter a bar and you want to use an i.d. that has been altered or is not you, here are some helpful tips...

1) never hide from the bartender: this is a fantastic give-away that you are not on the up and up.
most bartenders are like cats in that fasion...the best way to get us to chase you is to run away. walk confidently up to the bar. look the bartender in the eyes. order your drink. smile when you hand said bartender your i.d. when requested. my motto for everything shady is this: if you act like you are supposed to be doing what you are doing, most times people will not even notice you are there.

2) do not take i.d. that is not shit-hot into a bar: take those i.d.'s that don't look quite like you or the ones that you made at home on your laptop or the ones that you altered with a razorblade and a felt pen...take those to a convienience store where the clerk is making almost nothing and couldn't give a flying you know what so long as you have something that looks close. the worst you will get from the clerk is a tired shake of the head and a "can't take this" response. any bartender worth thier apron will take your fake i.d. away from you. do not think that this is a case of the bartender being an asshole or any such simple stuff...the truth is, we card a million people a day, all of them drinking, and cannot possibly remember every face that walks in and out of the bar. we leave the fake with you, you come back another night or try it on another bartender, and boom...our asses! i have seen some really good fakes in my day...some so good i let them slide. i have never not taken a not-so-great i.d. or one that wasn't the person handing it to me. and i take great delight in berating the young soul all the way out the door for offending my professionalism by trying to pass off the awful peice of shit they handed me.

3) do not use your friend's i.d. if that friend is a regular at the bar you are going too: that's right, it actually happens all the time...i get kids trying to give me i.d.'s that belong to people i actually know. there have been times when i have called the person who owned the i.d. on my cell while the person who handed me the i.d. waited and had the people on the phone chew their own idiot-friends out for this class-move. it happened again tonight! i gave this girl a wrath of shit for trying to pass it off and then, convieniently, placed the i.d. in reasonable range from the other side of the bar and turned my back. the young lady in question promptly hopped up on the bar, snached her friend's i.d. and ran out the door. i got a good laugh at that one. i will get a better laugh when i tell laura that some little girl tried to use her i.d. in my bar. then i will tell her just what kind of trouble they can both get in.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Sickness

i have a sickness. the ailment that i am afflicted with is fun. the rub is, it's not only my fun that i am addicted to, it's the fun of everyone around me! translated directly...i am compelled to pay the tab of anyone i am spending time with. is it a bad thing? i'm not sure. but i do it and i hope somewhere in the karmik functionings of the world, it means something to some one some where. luckey for me, life is good and we all are happy.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Quotation

funky dave gets the quote of the night..."they are all a bunch of superfluous whoring boors!" when the first sounds are switched (booring whores), it frightfully comes out meaning the same thing. any guesses at to what or who we are talking about? take a stab...

Monday, January 03, 2005

What? Me Bitch?

i must be getting old.

we have a new band of little white boys that have moved into the neighborhood around my bar. they are under the distinct impression that they are a) ballers, b) the coolest thing to walk since elvis or c) hard-asses. i have worked my way through all of these hang-ups with these poor misguided boys and they are still a lost cause. they know they are not hard, becuase it only took one of me to put four of them to the pavment and keep them there when they were having an "altercation" outside of the bar one night. they should know by now they are not the coolest, because no one can stand any of them for more than a half hour. they should stop acting like ballers after this evening when i explained a cardinal rule to them all this evening.

firstly, these are the kind of guys who walk up to the bar, pull the assorted small bills and change out of their pockets, spend a great deal of time poking at it, then look up and say "what's the cheapest beer you got?" then, when they find that they have just barely enough, the argument for why they can't get "hooked up" commences. finally i had had enough. in front of everyone at the bar, i cut loose on these poor, misguided little bitches.

the rant began with me explaining that no bartender in the world likes to hear "what is the cheapest thing you got" from anyone at any time. you may mean it, but don't actually say it, because you may just hear the response, "the cheapest thing i got is directions to the fucking mini-mart accross the street--where you should take your nickels and dimes and buy yourself a fourty of high-life and leave the bar-drinking to the professionals, you fucking rookie!"

next, the whole idea that i, as the bartender, should "hook you up" just because--after no provocation (tipping/help cleaning/offers of sex or what not)--is absolutely ludicrous! do you think you are that charming? did i accidentally make a pass at you? do i owe you something or do you want to owe me? is there some kind of magic respect that i should give you just because you insist on talking like a stereotype gangsta from an early ninetys street-life movie? do i even know you?!?!?!?

finally, there is the bottom line...you are making real players look bad. you are trying to walk the walk and talk the talk, but you are not using your weak little minds nearly enough. in order to pull off that persona, you really need to pull it off at every level. what makes a baller a baller?
$$$$$$$$$$
if you don't have it, don't go to a bar and beg for drinks and expect to be anything but a begger and a scrounge. don't go with change and hope for a good reception when you can only muster exact change every time you step to the bar. don't expect to be treated like a player just on your looks. if you can't afford to go to the bar, for god's sake, stay the hell home! back in my younger years (and today too...i'm not that old), me and my friends would never ask the price of a drink or what was cheaper than what...you ordered what you wanted to drink, handed the bartender a twenty, tipped at least two, and gave the rest to the dancers! how hard of a concept is that?!?!?!? as a result, i never paid a cover, never waited in line, never couldn't get a table and always got the nicest of the nice drinks. and i got news...i am a white guy and oft-times was the only one in the bars i was at! so take off your damned doo-rag, pull up your damned pants, and try a little damned respect in a place of freaking business!!!

i think i almost made one of them cry.