What? Me Bitch?

i must be getting old.

we have a new band of little white boys that have moved into the neighborhood around my bar. they are under the distinct impression that they are a) ballers, b) the coolest thing to walk since elvis or c) hard-asses. i have worked my way through all of these hang-ups with these poor misguided boys and they are still a lost cause. they know they are not hard, becuase it only took one of me to put four of them to the pavment and keep them there when they were having an "altercation" outside of the bar one night. they should know by now they are not the coolest, because no one can stand any of them for more than a half hour. they should stop acting like ballers after this evening when i explained a cardinal rule to them all this evening.

firstly, these are the kind of guys who walk up to the bar, pull the assorted small bills and change out of their pockets, spend a great deal of time poking at it, then look up and say "what's the cheapest beer you got?" then, when they find that they have just barely enough, the argument for why they can't get "hooked up" commences. finally i had had enough. in front of everyone at the bar, i cut loose on these poor, misguided little bitches.

the rant began with me explaining that no bartender in the world likes to hear "what is the cheapest thing you got" from anyone at any time. you may mean it, but don't actually say it, because you may just hear the response, "the cheapest thing i got is directions to the fucking mini-mart accross the street--where you should take your nickels and dimes and buy yourself a fourty of high-life and leave the bar-drinking to the professionals, you fucking rookie!"

next, the whole idea that i, as the bartender, should "hook you up" just because--after no provocation (tipping/help cleaning/offers of sex or what not)--is absolutely ludicrous! do you think you are that charming? did i accidentally make a pass at you? do i owe you something or do you want to owe me? is there some kind of magic respect that i should give you just because you insist on talking like a stereotype gangsta from an early ninetys street-life movie? do i even know you?!?!?!?

finally, there is the bottom line...you are making real players look bad. you are trying to walk the walk and talk the talk, but you are not using your weak little minds nearly enough. in order to pull off that persona, you really need to pull it off at every level. what makes a baller a baller?
$$$$$$$$$$
if you don't have it, don't go to a bar and beg for drinks and expect to be anything but a begger and a scrounge. don't go with change and hope for a good reception when you can only muster exact change every time you step to the bar. don't expect to be treated like a player just on your looks. if you can't afford to go to the bar, for god's sake, stay the hell home! back in my younger years (and today too...i'm not that old), me and my friends would never ask the price of a drink or what was cheaper than what...you ordered what you wanted to drink, handed the bartender a twenty, tipped at least two, and gave the rest to the dancers! how hard of a concept is that?!?!?!? as a result, i never paid a cover, never waited in line, never couldn't get a table and always got the nicest of the nice drinks. and i got news...i am a white guy and oft-times was the only one in the bars i was at! so take off your damned doo-rag, pull up your damned pants, and try a little damned respect in a place of freaking business!!!

i think i almost made one of them cry.