Oh, You Silly Kids

when you are not of the appropriate age to enter a bar and you want to use an i.d. that has been altered or is not you, here are some helpful tips...

1) never hide from the bartender: this is a fantastic give-away that you are not on the up and up.
most bartenders are like cats in that fasion...the best way to get us to chase you is to run away. walk confidently up to the bar. look the bartender in the eyes. order your drink. smile when you hand said bartender your i.d. when requested. my motto for everything shady is this: if you act like you are supposed to be doing what you are doing, most times people will not even notice you are there.

2) do not take i.d. that is not shit-hot into a bar: take those i.d.'s that don't look quite like you or the ones that you made at home on your laptop or the ones that you altered with a razorblade and a felt pen...take those to a convienience store where the clerk is making almost nothing and couldn't give a flying you know what so long as you have something that looks close. the worst you will get from the clerk is a tired shake of the head and a "can't take this" response. any bartender worth thier apron will take your fake i.d. away from you. do not think that this is a case of the bartender being an asshole or any such simple stuff...the truth is, we card a million people a day, all of them drinking, and cannot possibly remember every face that walks in and out of the bar. we leave the fake with you, you come back another night or try it on another bartender, and boom...our asses! i have seen some really good fakes in my day...some so good i let them slide. i have never not taken a not-so-great i.d. or one that wasn't the person handing it to me. and i take great delight in berating the young soul all the way out the door for offending my professionalism by trying to pass off the awful peice of shit they handed me.

3) do not use your friend's i.d. if that friend is a regular at the bar you are going too: that's right, it actually happens all the time...i get kids trying to give me i.d.'s that belong to people i actually know. there have been times when i have called the person who owned the i.d. on my cell while the person who handed me the i.d. waited and had the people on the phone chew their own idiot-friends out for this class-move. it happened again tonight! i gave this girl a wrath of shit for trying to pass it off and then, convieniently, placed the i.d. in reasonable range from the other side of the bar and turned my back. the young lady in question promptly hopped up on the bar, snached her friend's i.d. and ran out the door. i got a good laugh at that one. i will get a better laugh when i tell laura that some little girl tried to use her i.d. in my bar. then i will tell her just what kind of trouble they can both get in.