Not Completely Dead

backinthesaddleagain? not entirely. i have been running in six different directions for a good long while, trying to contribute financially to the house while being a house-wife...bobin is bobin and i would appear to be bobin's bitch. fuck. here is something that i wrote for PDX magazine that is not going to be published--i think because i used the word "shit." interesting. otherwise, i will try to do this sort of thing on occasion just to keep myself from drinking myself to death or going bonkers standard style! boy howdy do i have a lot to bitch about!!!

here goes:
ask (or don't ask) dr. forkbeard--vol 1
We all have those friends that do really well in bars. You know that guy who can walk into any bar and, by the third drink, is getting doubles for singles and shots for nothing? What about that random girlfriend who always seems to be the life of the party without coming off like some drunken tramp at a frat-party? What about your cousin from out of town that walks into your local bar and, before the night is done, is more of a regular than you are? Of course, there are some folks out there that are born with magical super-powers of bar expertise, but the reality is that most of this special treatment comes from technique, not some divine gift. Most folks who didn’t ride the social short-bus to the bar can learn how to put people, including bartenders (they are people too), at ease and have a much better time out in public. What i am telling you, kiddies, is that these feats of debaucherial prowess are matter of experience.

Fear not, my little aspiring bar-flies, the doctor is here to give you some hints on kicking ass and getting numbers in the local bar scene. It is a simple thing if you remember this one thing...most people that frequent bars are tool-boxes! The competition for awards like “most annoying” and “fake-o-ramma,” is alive and kicking in every bar you have ever been to and it doesn't take a world class sociologist to see it. If you can avoid pissing people off, you are one step ahead of the norm.
The lesson for this month: how to get a drink.

I have heard people say time and time again, “Let’s not go there. It’s a cool bar, but you can never get a drink there.” This should never be a deterrent for a destination. There may be people waving money, yelling or banging on the bar, but if you play your cards right, you should get your drink(s) first.

The first thing you should do when you walk up to the bar proper is figure out where the wells are. This is where the ice, the mixers, the booze and, most of the time, the bartender is. The other place you want to mark is the register. Don’t inhabit the edge of the bar in the corner and expect the bartender to make their way down to you the second you walk up...No! Bad rookie! Don’t be scared. Walk right up and wade into the thick middle part of the bar where the people are milling around six-deep and get after it!

Contrary to popular belief, waving your arms or throwing things is not the best way to get the drink-slinger’s attention. The best way is being focused. Sound too simple? It is simpler said than done. A busy bar has a lot of interesting characters and conversations all packed into the spaces between barstools and the urge to gawk or respond to the occasional catcall can become overwhelming. Fight this! There will be plenty of time to shoot-the-shit after acquiring drinks. The fastest way to get a bartender to believe you mean business is eye contact, a smile and a nod.

Next, know what you want and how you want it when you get there. If the bar is busy, chances are, you will have to wait. Use that time to figure out what the hell you are going to order so that when the drink-monger comes about, you are a wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am type of customer. You want to piss your bartender off in a big way--wait until he takes a break from his hectic runnings back and forth to ask you what you want and you say either, “What do you got?” or, “Ummmm, I’m not sure.” He has better things to do and, if you waffle for long enough, he may just go do them without giving you a drink!

Last but never least, TIP! There should never be a time or a reason ever...EVER...that there isn’t something left on the bar when you walk away. If the service is that bad or the bartender is that rude, leave. Go someplace that actually is cool...if you are not the problem;)

Try these simple techniques and you can bet your sweet butt that your second, third and fifteenth rounds will come in the blink of an eye, no matter how many whistling, money-waving, bar-slapping, non-tipping idiots are crowding up to the rack with you!
Good luck and check back in for more tips next month! ;)


what's wrong with that? meh.