Hehe

i have been up all night watching cartoons ( http://www.joecartoon.com ) so i gots no time to talk at you people...if you are reading my blog, you have the time to go visit the joeman yourself and you should! funny stuff, i tell ya! frog-explodin' funny...lord, i apologize for talkin about the frogs blowin up and be there with the pygmies down there in new guinea, amen.

Good Gawd!

i went out tonight to my bar to, first and foremost, get my wacky schedule for this week...unfortunately, my little brother was at my bar! this turned into debauchery and hilarity that can really only be described by the words "you really had to be there!" good lord, that man is one of the funniest human beings on the planet! either way, i am destroyed and had a good time doing it! i love you, jess, and will see you soon! if you all really care, leave me comments and i will tell you some of the particulars that transpired!

Don't Get The Wrong Idea...

so here is a simple equation for you: if you have girls in your bar(=)the guys will follow. here is another factoid: girls always flirt with the bartender! all of these things equal fun. girls like to flirt--boys like to chase girls and buy them drinks in the process--bars like people buying drinks. here is a subtlety: guys buy more drinks for everybody when there are girls to impress, girls buy or get drinks no matter what. here is the problem with bars that insist on only hiring female bartenders...there is no one for the girls to flirt with in hopes of getting treated really well (i.e. free drinks or good drinks, special treatment). female bartenders are not, i repeat NOT so much of an attraction for trollers and players. the hard reality of guys hitting on bartenders is simply a matter of ratios. also, there have been very few (count em on a hand) female bartenders that actually can stomach or understand the concept of spoiling these obnoxious little princesses in order to bring the boys, the business, the money to their doorstep. thank goodness for this. i would most likely be out of a job if the female bartenders ever REALLY figure this all out.
as a post note, all you male bartenders out there that think you are the shit because every girl that comes into the bar seems to think you are irresistible...wake the fuck up! i am the only male bartender who is the shizzle, and don't any of you ever forget it!

Q: what where davey crocket's last words at the alamo?

A: "hey, what the hell are all of these landscapers doing here?"

Samaritan

if i logged here how many times i have done my saint impression (or if my wife logged how many times she had to put up with me doing it) there would be a novel. this often proves to be a inconvenience and a pain, but i have found that a charmed life requires such sacrifice. so, the next time you find yourself in the opportunity to help a friend in spite of discomfort to yourself, believe that there are those out there that live that way and it's not such a bad life! it really does come around!

Ouch

did you ever have a job you really liked, and one experience makes it into a job you want to quit? of course you have! the question is--what can you do? i guess i am destined to suck it up...but monster is calling me! find this guy a job and be happy with your choice!

Q-how many kids with a.d.d. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A-"hey, do you want to go outside and ride bikes?!?!?!?!"

Workme

for the next two weeks, i will have three days off and they will not be consecutive. that rules. it also rules that it is one hot mother for a fat mountain man like myself...any time it gets to be more than 85 degrees and it is always humid here, i suddenly turn into an unmotivated grumpy bastard. it seems it is about time for me to find a new job--one that actually allows me to sleep at night! i just pray old george w. bush keeps working for me...not our president, my window air conditioner. it's ugly, loud and doesn't work very well.

man walks into a bar in washington and sees donald rumsfeld and colin powell sitting in the corner. he looks to the bartender and says ,"is that who..." the bartender immediately replies, "yep, it's them."
the man is excited seeing he has always wanted to meet these two men. he asks the bartender what he thinks about meeting them and the bartender tells him, "sure, go over and talk to them, they both love to hear what the public thinks about what they are doing."
so the man walks over and introduces himself and asks the general and the secretary what the two of them are are talking about. the general replies, "the war in iraq."
"what are you planning to do?" asks the man in ernest.
"we are planning to nuke the entire country...we want a parking lot where iraq used to be...we want to kill twenty five million iraqi people and one blonde woman with huge breasts!" shouted the general.
"oh my god," replies the man, "that is terrible...but why the one blonde woman with huge breasts?"
the general looks pleased with himself and says to the secretary, "you see, don, i told you no one gives a fuck about iraq!"

-winner of the coveted "most tasteless joke of the evening" award in the bar for saturday night

My Old Friend

let me tell you about something beautiful. i spent the evening (and early morning) with a friend of mine that i haven't seen for more than a couple months. this guy was close to me in my old crazy days and between the two of us, there were none crazier in my town. he made a point of coming out and finding me this evening for a celebration...a celebration of his indoctrination into the world of real family. he and i have both always had our "families," be it blood or the people we surrounded ourselves with, but he has actually stepped into the world of the wife-and-kids family that most folks eventually realize they want. i spent the evening with him (getting less wasted than i normally would on a friday night) moving heavy things and organizing boxes in his new house and talking with him about life in general. we haven't done this in a long while. the bottom line is, where we would have drank until we couldn't stand in the old days--talking about girls and trouble, we talked about family, life and what the true meaning of happiness really boils down to. i am in an ongoing love affair with my best friend, my soul mate and my wife (all the same person, even) and he is embarking on an adventure with the girl of his dreams! he stood in my wedding and i am the best man in his, and at this point, i can honestly say--the joining of these two people is right! i am so proud of him, and i hope he finds even half of the joy that i have!!!

paddle, hippy, paddle!!!

Brains Of The Brawn

what is the word these days about technology? the smaller, the better. if james bond had to carry around a backpack to stay in touch with mi6 as opposed to talking into his watch while it was burning a hole in a lock at the same time, well we just wouldn't be as impressed. it is cool to have little things that do a great deal but take up no space and that is one of the driving factors for electronics companies to constantly work to make the most powerful tech smaller. the other plus to making smaller electronics and the like is the fact that the smaller a thing is, the more of it you can fit into the space you already have. nanotechnology already exists (somewhere, deep in area 51, i'm sure) that is to say, there is or will be tech that is comprised of microscopic machines that do specific task. the u.s. federal government funds a couple of different projects for the study and development of none other. also there is the holy grail of the computing world...artificial intelligence. there are programs out there that, for all intents and purposes, learn. there are also computers that have enough ram and rom to handle any program. we are knocking on the door of figuring out how to create an intelligence that is not simply simulating independent thought, but actually experiencing it.

two of the three aforementioned armored combat suits (acs) rely on this "micro technology" to make them feasible. heinlein's suits are all analog. they are equipped with throat mic's activated by a tongue switch and i.r. night vision goggles activated by tossing your head like a horse. this seems fairly weak when talking about two ton battle suits, but remember, the book was written nearly fifty years ago. at that time, this WAS cutting edge! the technical makeup of the servos and movement tech is avoided, but somehow, the armor anticipates what you are going to do and helps you do it.

the suits in drake's "northworld," are equipped with an informational ai unit that functions on voice command only. field of view and marking of friendly suits are some of the applications used in the book...also map overlays and identification of the quality of opponents are functions that are commonly applied. the movement of the suit is much more physical...more armor based...than any of the other suits. the contact points in the suit are padded with hide or cloth and to make the suit move, you have to apply force from the inside. the quality of the armor dictates how quickly the servos kick in when you push and how quickly the armor can move. if you are equipped with cheap armor that is not well padded and you are forced to run for any period of time, you will tear the skin off of your knees, ankles and hips doing so. mostly, though, the ai suite in northworld's armor is for information processing and contains little in the way of independent action.

the suit electronics in ringo's trilogy is, by far, the most complex and oddly enough, the closest to modern tech. these suits are a hybrid of human and alien theory and the driving force behind the processing power is a personal ai unit. these units learn as they spend more time with each suit operator. they inherit personality traits and make decisions based on how well they know their user and what they "think" is best for him or her. the processing power of these little units is amazing. they can make calls off planet--they can monitor thousands of things at once--they can organize battle plans without direct supervision of the user...that's right...the supercomputer in a watch! the actual display of these suits is preported to be the hardest thing to get used to. there is so much info coming through that it is unmanageable to the trained eye. a lot of the acs troopers don't even use an optical function, they have one of the compressed lines of information that is displayed on their hud report terrain. the complex information adjustments and organization is done through vr interface. the gloves of the suit become the pointers just like vr gloves. in the book, playing video games is encouraged to all military hopefuls...ahh, geeks taking over the world! these suits also have external speakers and hologram projectors...the enemy will see a fifty foot dragon spitting fire from ten heads while hearing "the immigrant song" by led zeppelin at 160db! the movement of acs suits depends on a tap into the neural net by the ai. the helmets don't move, but if you twitch your neck muscles like you were turning your head, the field of vision changes. there are many other aspects to the tech within these suits, but if you really want the in's and out's, you should pick up "a hymn before battle" by john ringo. if you like that kind of stuff, you will end up getting the whole series!

in actuallity, in order for these suits to work, the tech needs to be refined to the point of taking care of everything but decision making. those of you who play video games that have computer driven opponents might be wondering if even the decision making process wouldn't be better handled by the computer...oh, the implications! i will get to power sources and weapons systems a little bit later, but for now, i think i'll return to the regularly scheduled blog entries for a little while. thanks for readin!!!!!!

Powered Battle Suits...The Future Of Mobile Infantry

hard science fiction gives us a look at the practical world as it could be if some simple alterations could be made that have been proven impossible, or more correctly, beyond what we are capable of achieving at present. most of these alterations are technological and are usually based on fundamental physics theories (or limitations within physics) that are merely at the hypothesis stage. the sci-fi writer takes this hypothesis and either proves it (less some technological holes) or finds a way around it. for example, ftl (faster-than-light) travel according to einstien’s theories, is an impossibility...basic quantum physics dictates that when you reach the speed of light, you traverse space as a photon would and time not at all...but the idea, as unprovable as it is now, of bending space in order to not have to travel at the speed of light is nearly provable as a theory. thus, ftl travel "could” be possible without the annoying side effect of the rest of the universe growing old while you enjoy a five minute ride.


traditionally, some of man’s greatest innovations have come about by the creation of some “war machine” or another. the constant quest for a better weapon or method of combat has contributed to many things we have today that we don’t equate with war. in this sense, combined with the freedom a sci-fi writer has in the realms of practical technology vs. POSSIBLE technology, we can find some really interesting war machines in the pages of military sci-fi. one of the most appealing fantastic innovations is powered battle armor. if you don’t think it’s that popular, check in on at least half of the japanese action cartoons or anime (GUNDAM!!!!). it’s a popular concept because it allows a normal human being to adopt the powers of a superhero (augmented strength...the ability to destroy or fly) and maintains the aesthetic of the human form. the m1a1 abrams tank moves along the ground and is functional under the guidance of as few two people, but it does not RUN. the f-4 phantom can fly through the air, see for miles and throw fire at the push of a button, but we do not steer it by twisting our bodies and we do not aim the fire by pointing our fingers and saying “boom.” this romantic idea of being powerful because of the clothes we wear is the reason so many sci-fi writers have actually put time and thought into making the idea of these suits come to life.


mechanized ground warfare has relied heavily on the tank. they are well armored as well as armed and they are extremely fast. the sensor suite in the afore mentioned m1a1 has a comprehensive range of over a mile at 360* and they top out at over 40mph over most terrain. the problem is that they are somewhat cumbersome. these rigs are almost 33 feet long, weigh nearly 70 tons and sport a crew of 4. due to armor requirements, size of the electronic equipment and the need for a crew to sort out all of the incoming info and run the beast, this size is necessary--and because of the size, an LT (lycombing textron) 1500 horsepower gas turbine engine is required for pushing the thing around. for actual engine buffs (freaking gearheads), this engine was built in the early 1960’and it eats fossil fuel like my cats do tuna...fast and loud! the sci-fi writer has found an answer to the bulky tank in the form of battle armor because of unreal advancements in micro-electronics “a.i.”, steel “miracle metal “, weapons “more bang for the buck” and power sources “batteries, reactors and magic, oh my!”. in the next three installments of this blog, i will talk about three different examples of powered battle armor - the armor created in john ringo’s trilogy about the posleen wars “2000-2003”, the battle suits in david drake’s “"northworld”" trilogy “1990-1994”, and one of the first in powered battle suits, the ones found in robert a. heinlein’s “"starship troopers" and “1959”.


after this, i’ll get back to the debauchery of the great northwest and who’s doing who in the bar and music scene. it’s just sometimes i like to write essays. is it a crime?

Gawddammittt!

i stayed up all night last night and wrote the intro to the four day blog-fest about the ideas of science fiction and powered suit armor. this included a light explanation of quantum physics and a outline of the specs of a m1a1 abrams tank. all in all, i had over a thousand word essay written and spell checked that i was fairly happy with. fun stuff. unfortunately, i have found a shortcomming in the blogger software...i went to the preview function to proof it right before i saved, found some errors and when i backed up to repair them, my work was gone. FUCK THAT AND FUCK THIS! i remember kind of what i wrote between the hours of 3:30am and 6:00am, but i am so disgusted that i am having trouble looking at the dashboard screen even now. talk at you all later...like next week.

Postponed

no dissertation on the literary history of powered battle suits tonight...my co-worker was moving slowly this evening and, while i would have let her go if i was the one staying because i could have fully handled the crowd, it was a loosing battle with her. so, i hacked and sneezed my way all the way till two thirty. did i mention i have a chest cold and she was trying to get me out of the smoke-house early? cleaned the bar while she counted the money and left at 3:15. tired now. made no money. if anyone reads this, are you interested in hearing some of the intricacies of the sci-fi mobile infantry? if not, don't bother with my next entry--if so, i promise to do it up tomorrow!

space and beyond!

Negligent

the gods continue to show their displeasure by cursing me with a chest cold. dammit! i am in pretty poor shape, but not poor enough that i can't go to the smoke-pit that is the bar. no fun, but the show must go on. i will come home early this evening and give my dissertation on the history and application of powered battle armour and the mobile infantry.

-qed-

Fri Dingus

i have had a good day. i didn't do what i wanted to as far as daily missions are concerned (no donkey helmet for beans), but the way it played out was nice. started by running donkey around the local area--getting gas and sun as was a good thing for a sunny day in this town. had a beer or two and then a nap. i had a plan for all of the fun kids on the geek side of the spectrum; i.e. meet up, brave gresham in downtown in the way of going to the "fun center" on waterfront (midway and rides), then going to a late showing of the new harry potter movie. sounded great for a friday night! unfortunately, everybody was tired. PERIOD. one of my friends that i love to see, love dearly and am of the mind that she doesn't get out enough, folded. fine, but it's friday night! another friend, that is just in from hawaii, needed her sleep after running errands and the like all day, planning for her trip cross-country. fine as well...just missed her. so, beans and i met another friend (cherz: www.beefpile.com) at a british pub and had a few beers. great conversation--good times--beans, god love her, needed to go to bed. she is an early morning girl and i don't bemoan her needing to be bedwards by midnight! so, the three of us trundled home (my house), put mini-me to bed, and cherz and i went out to my local watering-hole...vic's. we got some good--no, great drinks, i paid $16 for $50 worth of drinks and a pack of smokes, and i introduced cherz to a local legend that happens to be one of my good friends

one of the fixtures at vic's is a jazz guru by the name of jof lee. he has played with everyone from buddy rich, to miles davis--he is, in my opinion, the best composer and arranger of small-group jazz standards on the west coast, not to mention, one of the best neuvo jazz pianists in the united states. somehow, he has it in his head (and ears after hearing me a time or two) that i am a decent bass player and one of his peers! now i have no misconceptions about my ability...i'm good, but nowhere near his league...but the conversation with this minor genius is always a treat! if you doubt, ask semaphoria (my beans), she has spent time with him too! i introduced jof to cherz, who is a music lover, and he was enamored. when we got home, i had him google jof lee, and he was absolutely floored. long music conversations came about, not the least of which is why i am quitting "jaroh," the band i am playing with now and how that is going to equate to more time with my lovely wife, but, all-in-all, the night was a successful and enjoyable time! i love you, beans, for staying out as late as you did--and regarding that situation of late that you couldn't tell your friends about because there was no way they would understand, i discussed it with nicole and she said, when you look at it from a step removed, i really AM a butthole! lord save me from being ignorant!!!!!

And Then With The Sex...

the bar was full of sex tonight. yes, sex! not only were there the normal smattering of sexual advances directed at yours truly, a couple of the regulars really got into it! the first really obvious crew was big-d's girlfriend and one of the trashy bar-ho's. this little trashy-trashy is particularly trashy in a trashy 80's kind of way...fingerless gloves and all...even though she is only 21 or 22. the two of them (trashy and girlfriend) spent about an hour in the women's restroom going to town on each other before it was brought to my attention (incidentally, by big-d!) and i chased them out of there. everyone left in the bar soon found out that the privacy of the restroom had little to do with the porn--oh, no no no! they retired to their table where they proceeded to continue making out hotly. yes, boys and girls, i got some vid on the old digital camera to show the wife--now she will believe me! i'm fairly confident that big-d is capitalizing on this situation and his near-by hot-tub even as i type this for your amusement.

while this was all good fun, at the end of the night, when all the other little kiddies had scampered for home, i stumbled on a crew hanging back by the restrooms. i sweetly told them they had to leave, and one of the gals, in an ever so discrete fashion, prompted me to check the bathrooms before locking the doors. isn't that special. sure enough, in a stall in the ladies, there was a nice young couple actually fucking. huzzah! that is an oldie but goodie! and she was so cute trying to be oh so quiet and all. i informed "whoever was in the restrooms," that i was locking the doors and everyone needed to clear out. to their credit, they emerged from the restroom only a few minutes later looking so mildly disheveled as to nearly fool the untrained eye.

what fun! but a word of advice to the restroom snoggers from kindly old doc forkbeard: try not to get "entangled" when you are the only ones in the bar and said bar is trying to close....leave yourself enough time to git-er-done and still have a crowd left to blend into!

on a side note, the old doc was actually interviewed on a fantastic blog...in fact, one of if not the oldest blog around...waferbaby.com! just hit up that site go to the "corner" to read about the pretty little monkey harassing old ivar about the fine art of bartending! yes, it's on the same page as the interview with asia carrera! big time, baby!

I-What?

every bartender should own and use an i-pod...the music in a bar dictates the temperature of everyone in the party!