Weekly Specials?

so i have decided to create my daily specials for my new bar via forum. portlanders, your new hangout will be tailored to your specifications...non-portlanders, please feel free to know there is a bar somewhere that is functioning to the standards you would want in your favorite hole! i will keep you updated...but i know you booze-hounds will have something to say!

raise hell ala proxy, kids!

At Last

my final night at the tryon creek bar and grill...i can't help feeling somewhat nostalgic. i worked that place from bad bad bad to good, and i will miss it. it was safe. a lesson to all of you kids out there who want to short time, though: i will have a job at the drop of a hat if i ever need to come back. this from the owner. in fact, he want's to retire one of my work jerseys just to make it kinda legendary...i used to wear a different insulting shirt to work every day one summer...i have like forty. i need to pick one, sign it, and he want's to frame it. that sounds strange to me, but it could be funny. i have one in mind: the backdrop is an idea light-bulb, and the text reads, "i'll try being nicer if you try being smarter!" a mantra to live one's life by if ever there was one.

tired. really, really tired. keep on being mean to stupid people, kids...it can only make the world a better place!

Time In A Folded Sharp Stick

i, on average, have at least a half an hour of sword time a day. it has been a little sparse as of late, but it will go back to abundance any day. the thing no one seems to notice when they pick up a sword is what it sounds like. for one, the vibration of a blade just sitting in your hand is enough to tell what that blade is wont to do; be it fly, drive, slide or spin. the vibration will tell you if it is a work-horse or a delicate tool of surgery--a stopper and pusher, or a winding striking snake sliding through a thorn-bush. then when a blade moves, especially the long ones, you can hear what the air does to each. my chinese broadsword whuffles the air like a bear, demanding movement and only giving into direction after careful prodding. my black to whispers and sings; it's single sided sharpness playing the air in a different tone for each different position or embrace, yet it is not tender and is by far the fastest and deadliest thing in the house. the highland broadsword rings like a bell touching nothing...any motion at all and the steel resounds in a lulling, single-pitch note that you can feel at the base of your skull. my katana slides and clicks and favors silence...when it rings it is abrupt and short--to the point--then still again. my kenyan bush-knife buzzes and is only happy when spinning--like a hummingbird. blindfolded in a room, i could tell what sword someone was holding if the only move it back and forth once.

i was thinking the other day, what is the point? is there any place in this age of gun-powder and video-games for the old ways? do i waste my time spinning a pair of sai that will never leave my house? am i just an old geek with a lot of pointy toys and do i need to grow up and forget the silliness? what do you think?

It's Thursday

for as surly of a bastard as i usually am, i have been putting up a lot of positive posts! well, this is no different. you all can sample my aggression on my comments on the random blogs i plague. tonight was brilliant yet again!

my day was rough, filled with slightly damaged babies and unhappy best friends...but after i left for band rehearsal, life took a turn for the better. not only did the super at our studio repair the air conditioning (no more 125* practices), we wrote two new fantastic songs. the old stuff sounded great, and our upcoming show is now in the bag!

i spent some time at my current bar talking to torie...one of my favorite people. we ran the gambit and stayed for longer than i wanted, but it was good to get my barometer readjusted.

i left my place to go and scout a new bartender for my new place. there is a great deal of subtle recent history that i will spare you, but the end product is, i spent the rest of the night at his bar, re-meeting people as they passed through and psuedo-interviewing this guy after hours. i ended up driving him home and getting to know what i was to expect. it was a success, and i now feel like i have an ally at my new place! this has been the best night i have had in a long time, and i will tell you, i needed the boost!

no worries to all of you kids that enjoy the anger of the forkbeard...i'm sure that there will be upcoming posts about how i am pissed about something or another! otherwise, you all try to keep ahead of the game!!!

Worthy...

holy shit, i'm still laughing. this post honestly made me cry! "thew a shoe at my cat..." christ, i am sick in a serious way!

Balls Down

i got off early tonight...a rare thing fore me, seeing i am usually the "last man standing." it was pool night in my bar. i got to put myself up against some of the best pool players in town, as luck would have it. even though it has been more than six months since the last time i really played on a table, your own forkbeard still put up even numbers...as in, against all of the real bad mo-fucksaidnothings, i came out even! of the twelve games i played against some of then meanest kids in town, i won seven games! seven! i feel as if i am still great: great at pulling a winning game out of my ass...but luck is still the lady:) and i love her as such.

rockstardom, kids!!!!

Busted

cherz dropped me a line and turned me on to this little beauty. it seems like another wow chat-thread, but as you cruise down the comments, you will find someone getting busted by mom! that's the inverse of wow, in case you were curious! oh, brion and faydra...that is geek poetry!

Those Petty Bastards!

i will be returning to work today at 9:30 am for a meeting. it is one of the standard "this is what is going on and what we are planning on doing" meetings. my last day at this job is the 26th of august. WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED WITH A "WHAT IS GOING ON" MEETING!?!?!? i am leaving nine days after said meeting. i don't give a flying rat's (bat) ass what they are doing or what their plans are because i will not be around. yet, i will close said bar and get home at 4:15, return to work for an hour at 9:30, then come back for a lovely ten hour shift at 5:00. and you wonder why i have less and less trouble letting go of this job? they are going to hurt like mad without me, and that isn't entirely ego...i'm the only guy who works there--as in the only one who can move kegs solo? that's me! poor girls. should have thought ahead.

any bartenders or people who want to try being bartenders in the city of portland? i need some badasses to come work for me and the first shot is dropping me a line right here. i promise to make you rich...rich, i tell you!!!

?

i have now officially posted in my sleep. i slept on the couch last night to afford my little ones some sleep upstairs and when i woke, the computer was sitting open to a little full metal, and this non-sensical post (which actually means something to me...abstractly, it's what i did last night) was on my blog. i don't remember logging in. i don't remember writing it. i don't remember posting it. i wasn't even really drunk. this is somewhat frightening...and in a sick way, i really like it.

here is a little love that i stole and made my own...


why i am playing for a $3 cover, the world will never know, but all you ratbastards better come out to rock with me! even you outoftowners...get on a plane...do it!

Nice To Me?

debauch and posters up? fine..much less the chicken fried steak and plus:) new alliances and what not? good night for $12.50. back to the deepness on the morrow,,,if it's not the full-metal that can fix it...i'm not really that short!

Still Got It?

everyone home safely...including the forkbeard? check. the out-of-towners hooked up at an after-hour party with girls that were conjured out of nowhere? check. the reality that you are still the king of your town--even after all these years and time out of the mix? check. yes, it is a good thing that "old" cannot yet be applied. i love me some lynchmob, and i hope i live up to all that is expected of me.

rock on, kids!

Cats

i love my cats. really. they are great. they are pawing at me even as i write this and you know what...i think that's fine. god may hate kittens, but you know, i really don't care what he thinks on that front! not to mention, i have a sharp axe for anyone who wants to discuss the matter in derogatory terminology! that's right, this big baddass will go to blows for his fuzzy little fur-monkeys! take that to the bank and smoke it. ?

Drive By

i drove a scooter through the bar tonight. i don't think that's legal. but i got to honk my horn and it was fun.

seriously, i stole a little honda 80 from the parking-lot with a butter knife, and drove it around the pool tables. the owner of said bike (student ruben) laughed till he wet himself. this is one of the things i will miss about tryon. the silly shit i get away with that makes every night a story at least a little bit. what i will not miss is the fact that the bar is becoming the "cool" place to hang out. that means kids. that means stupid. that means no money and babysitter duty. i am looking forward to re-adjusting my clientele and making a feel that is not dictated by geography. i want people to come to the bar because the bar is the special place, not because you can walk to it from your dorm-room. i want my bar to be filled with bartenders...all the time--no more rookie bullshit. i want my bartenders to feel free to turn the gun (hose) on any fratboywasteofspace that decides he is at burger king and it's his way right away. i want my bar to be a dark, smoky, loud place, that pours a stiff drink and doubles only fit in pint-glasses. i want my bar to be the place where you can sit until your ass falls asleep and still not mind because there is someone to bring you more beer where you are planted!

and i thought i was getting no sleep now! this is going to be a long battle, kids!

Music?

a recent post i read on a fabulously written blog gave me an interesting inspiration. i can make and arrange music as easily as breathe on a wide variety if instruments, but when i try to come up with words, i can't. nevermind...i can, but lord! have you ever read the words to "louie louie?" yeah, that kind of bad. anyway, i have three bands and two recording studios at my disposal, so the next logical progression should be...we should share. if you have any words that you think could be put to music, throw them at me and the collaboration is available.

just a thought.

And I Grit My Teeth

and bear the floundering last few weeks of putting up with the previously didactic soap-opera that was my old job. schedualing falling to shit--training falling to shit--continuity falling to shit. it is my turn in the rumor mill, and i just can't seem to care. not that the mill has ever grinded me up that badly ever...i am usually the control group. as it sits, i just do my job and fight the short-timers disease that always seems to come out of nowhere and bite you in the ass during the dying throes of finite employment. how do temps do it?

"that's how you do it"
"what do you mean?"
"i mean, here is twenty-one bucks for one round"
"and they didn't tip?"
"that is the tip"
"holy shit! from those three guys? did you know them really well?
"never met them before in my life"
"bullshit. are you serious?"
"it's a gift there, kiddo. you will learn how to push the buttons...pay attention to everyone all the time and people will start to make sense"

if they can only pay attention...we will make them great...and that's not just the world series of poker!

Weekend/Challange Post

so, the last five days have been a whirlwind of debauch. all of the boston kids came into town and we tore it up. special shout to all those guys...especially ludd, quist and pisqualli...all great guys and i enjoyed hanging out with you. for pictures and full input on wazzap, check beans at her site. all the pretty particulars of one of my best friend's wedding should be out for all to see.

as far as the meat feed went, my little brother assed out. that's right, someone was too busy sleeping on saturday to go for the meat, and someone bailed out of the wedding early to "get home and get packed for flying out." i call bullshit, but that is yet another story. i mean, saturday: so you partied till 7:00am...i partied till 6:30 and you didn't see me whining like a little girl! that's right...not even those great big girls we used to play rugby with, but a little girl; one with freckles and pigtails, looking at the empty sugar-cone in her hand and wondering tearfully at the scoop of strawberry bubble-gum ice cream that sits melting on the pavement at her little pink-patent-leather-bowed-feet. you got some work to do to save any scent of baddass that may be hanging around you from contact with me on thursday. that must be why you snuck out of the wedding...to avoid the verbal tongue-lashing that you knew was imminent. well, buck-o, no one gets off that easy, even if you were again and again.

you owe me pain.

Mob Sightings

finally, finished with work. i now will not have to worry about going in to work until tuesday evening. though it is not a vacation, there will be much in the way of party. i saw the honorable s.j.lynchmob esquire at work tonight for the first time in over a year. gods, i love that kid. it kind of made it all real for me. there is a wedding going on this weekend. i will be surrounded by people that really make me happy and i will be creating some of those great big ">do you remember the time when..." kind of memories that i am finding, in my old age, i treasure a great deal. i will be up to it. i will have a good time. there is not really anything short of major horror that could keep this from being fun. i just need to sleep a bit, then get up ready to kick some ass!

hell, i may even post some pictures;)

Another Day

i dread the weekend. that's right, i will be the home base man for a bunch of professional drinkers that are coming in from out of town for a wedding...a wedding that i am actually in. what really scares me is the impending visit from my little brother. the competition does not stop at how much meat we can eat. oh no, there will be the shot contest as well. when 250 pound men do to doing shots in abundance, things get broken. i just have to figure out which bars i never want to go back to...ever again.

on a lighter note, i remain a handsome man with an ass you can bounce quarters ten feet off of. there will be more bass than i can handle soon anyway. shall we name the bar forkbeard's landing?

The Platter...Pre

bamboo grove...yes, a restaurant indeed. a hawaiian barbecue to be more precise:) the younger brother calls me today and says, "hey, numb-nuts, the challenge is on!" to which i respond, "what challenge might that be?" comes the cheerful retort, "bamboo grove--kahuna!" well, that is a challenge indeed. the kahuna platter is a pile of meat. plain and simple, this not-so-little slice of heaven is supposed to feed a family of 4 to 8. the kehei rib/tariaki beef/kalua pork platter is $50, and i think little bro and i are getting one each. has he forgotten who king carnivore is? is he daft? does the natural order need to be re-established? i think he has forgotten. the heat in arizona has melted his brain and it is up to me to realign it.

just to clarify, it is not so much a question of can we ingest the kahuna platter, it is a question of who will finish first!

SONOFABITCH!

no...not the band, the loud and heartfelt curse! i did take my new boat up to the river today; foregoing sleep and discomfort, knowing full well that i would be damning myself to a truly painful night at work all for the sake of jumping off waterfalls in a fantastic new kayak. well, wouldn't you know, i am again proven to be too clever for my own good. the zipper we "fixed" in order to make the kayak a viable water vehicle in spite of that being the reason the craft was so inexpensive? we didn't really fix it at all. pump it up to rocket weight and boom, zipper let's go. fuck. no rigid boat.

i am a big man. it is a small boat. it was not being run correctly. i was too heavy. please refer to the post title.

i had to relinquish my new boat to our friend, bushman, who is half my size, and watch him tool around and get drunk in my new boat, while i became the guide for the whitewater raft and the three newbies going down heavy rapids for the first time. what this means is, i got really wet, i did an unreasonable amount of paddling, and was generally robbed of a great deal of fun trying to get the asshole in the front right to believe that i wasn't shouting "pull" and "drag" for my own health, but for the health of the hull of the boat and the high hopes of hitting the good parts of the rapids!

a rushed trip home from the river itself gave me a scant hour to prepare for work. a tricky and trying endeavour when all you want to do is sleep. about half way through the night, my right leg starts to itch. soon thereafter, it starts to burn...and yes, by then i have put two and two together and come up with: "i forgot to put suntan lotion on a leg that i was expecting to leave in the sheath of a kayak for the duration of the day." that's right, kids, the leg in the boat, wet and exposed all day long, is burned to a freaking crisp. what a great day...i need to go to sleep right now.

please, travis, be sleeping!